here's a lullabye to close your eyes
goodbye
it was always you that I despised
I don't feel enough for you to cry
oh well
here's a lullabye to close your eyes
goodbye
goodbye
goodbye

I...

...heh. Long night. Don't get me wrong, I still revel in the drama, after a year and more stuck off in California... *shrug* Still. Long night. Long day.

So insignifigant
sleeping dormant deep inside of me
are you hiding away
lost
under the sewers
maybe flying high in the clouds
perhaps you're happy without me
so many seeds have been sown in the field
and who could sprout up so blessedly
if I had died
I would have never felt sad at all
you will not hear me say
I'm sorry
where
is the light
wonder if it's weeping somewhere

here's a lullabye to close your eyes
goodbye
it was always you that I despise
I don't feel enough for you to cry
oh well
here's a lullabye to close your eyes
goodbye

I'll be fine tomorrow, I always am. I'll be back in form, back on top, back where I belong. Back to the Hunt. Back to a world that I still some days only half-believe exists.

Back...

here's a lullabye to close your eyes
goodbye
it was always you that I despised
I don't feel enough for you to cry
my love
here's a lullabye to close your eyes
goodbye
goodbye
goodbye

...one last memory thrown to the flames tonight, the one I'd kept tight even when I thought... ehh. Forget what I thought. Everything changes, neh? So. Goodbye, to that moment, the taste of ash, days of conversation, of stories, imagining what it would feel like to have the glowing coal sizzling against my tongue, staring at him in awe, admiration, amazed that he could take such pleasure. I don't know why it's that one that I clung to; I guess because my own betrayals and his disappearance erased any idle thoughts of dying my hair blue. *slight, crooked grin* Hell, maybe it was time. No point in holding onto something that Is Not.

Oh gods, but that could apply to a lot in my life. *sigh*

Oddly enough, there are two things I am relying on, finding strength in, right now. One of them sleeps in the bedroom, exhausted, dreaming perhaps, but I know he will be there in the morning, be there when I finally sleep and when I wake. Odd that, only because I still in so many ways know I don't deserve him.

And the other... a conversation, earlier, a test of wills and a sidestep into Dreaming realms, where for at least a little while, I... was free. All things to all people, anything and everything, child of flame, aye, all of that... be what you will, be who you are, and still I'll have this moment, THIS memory, that gives me strange comfort and the certainty that I am still my own. It was satisfying.

We play off each other well, each plotting, maneuvering, acting and reacting, this endless flow of will and wish and whim. It's beautiful to watch. That might be the only reason his current light'o'love makes me jealous at times - she can see his face, see what I can only feel or hear, she is THERE to see those wings flex and eyes gleam, even if perhaps she's not the eyes to witness it. Or perhaps she has... and here the jealousy again. Of course he wouldn't choose anyone who could not in some way... sense... him.

*snickers softly* I used to choose Doms because they were in at least some way a lot like me. Now? Now it's what I look for in a sub. Go figure.

One last quoting of lyrics... and then I go.

Now here I go,
Hope I don't break down,
I wont take anything, I don't need anything,
Don't want to exist, I can't Persist,
Please stop me before I do it again,
Just talk about nothing, let's talk about nothing.
Let's talk about no one, please talk about no one, someone, anyone.

You and me, have a disease,
You affect me, you infect me,
I'm afflicted, you're addicted,
You and me, you and me.

I'm on the edge,
Get against the wall,
I'm so distracted,
I love to strike you,
Here's my confession,
You learned your lesson,
Stop me before I do it again,

Just talk about nothing, let's talk about nothing.
Let's talk about no one, please talk about no one, someone, anyone.

You and me, have a disease,
You affect me, you infect me,
I'm afflicted, you're addicted,
You and me, you and me.

You're clear - as a heavy lead curtain want to drill you - like an ocean,
We can work it out, I've been running out, now I'm running out.
Don't be mad about it baby.

Yeah yeah yeah,
Yeah yeah yeah,
Yeah yeah yeah,
Yeah yeah yeah,
YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!

You and me, have a disease,
You affect me, you infect me, (I wanna tie you, crucify you)
I'm afflicted, you're addicted, (Kneel before you, revile your body)
You and me, have a disease (We're made in heaven),
You affect me, you infect me, (I want to take you, I want to break you)
I'm afflicted, you're addicted, (Supplicate you, with thorny roses)
You and me, have a disease (are incurable),
You affect me, You infect me, (I want to bathe you, in holy water)
I'm afflicted, you're addicted, (I want to kill you, Upon the alter)
You and me, you and me.

Perfect madness. Why should the kitten be the only one who gets to enjoy that state, of late?