Previous - this entry written on October 22, 2006 at 8:42 am - Next

The day you drop off my radar, love, is the day the world stops circling the sun.

I have a lot going on, and gods know I'm miserable at keeping track of time. I haven't been online much at all, honestly. The few times I have... *slight shrug* ...I don't often log onto messenger any more. I think I may have to migrate once more; it's been long enough now, I've been silent, most... heh. Most folk, I'm only a memory for.

It's long overdue.

As is something else, something I keep starting to pursue, then falling back, falling quiet, waiting again. I don't know what I've been waiting for; I'm hoping this is it, this recognization, this moment of clarity.

We picked up Angel on Wednesday evening; she was dropped off to meet her current companion Saturday afternoon. I'm sure I'll have a lot to say about what was in many ways a calm and quiet week and in many others an overwhelming experience but there's two things that I won't wait to speak on until my head is clear, two things that need mentioning.

I live my life in cycles, some short, some long, and this week about six of them crested at once.

I had a lot of my priorities... shaken. Reset. Shuffled. Whatever. And was reminded of what actually matters.

There are exactly four people that I cannot and will not imagine going through life without owning. I refuse to do otherwise. I've had my mental crash, had the time to put the pieces back, had a LOT of what can only be described as revelations this week. My head is a lot more calm.

A lot more WHOLE.

And I know what I intend to do.

Caleb. Kadin. Radu. Torian.

I will move heaven and earth if I have to.

The other people in my life, the other ones I care about, the other ones I want keeping me company... right now, it's their move, their choice, it's not truly my affair. But these four matter, and I know that the only way I will be able to hold you four, touch you, talk with you, have you, have you HERE, is if I start acting on what I feel.

I'm back in Portland now. I'm settled here, I have a safe place to work from, I have internet access, a vehicle, phones, an address, I can WORK with this. It's time. It's past time. If I don't do something to make this happen, it's now certain that no one else will. *shrug* Hey, I'm lazy - if you keepers of my heart would get yourselves here without me having to stress about it, I wouldn't complain, but yeah, that's kinda not working. Time to change. Time to do what I've been waiting to do, waiting since I first found out Caleb had to go to California. We're back now, I'm back now. I'm HOME now. Home is where your heart is, they say.

So doesn't it seem reasonable that I start trying to make that accurate?

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