Previous - this entry written on December 10, 2006 at 5:40 am - Next

I still feel you beneath my skin
I am tempted to throw my senses in
'cos it's easier to drown
than to face the way I feel...

...then the truth comes back around
in the end you're not for me
not for me

Finances are unexpectedly tight; a bonus check that Caleb and I had been pretty seriously counting on isn't going to happen and we found this out after the mortgage payment is already due. I'm going to be on the phone with my folks, and we're going to be seriously stressing for a while until this gets sorted out. I know we'll be able to take care of it but right now it's really scary. *shrug* Grown-up stuff. Normally his job pays a very regular and very nice Christmas bonus... this year we found out very unexpectedly and last-minute that they won't be doing so. We'd been counting on that to make payments, cover holiday expenses, ensure we're safe and secure over the holidays. Now we have to figure something else out, and we have to do it fast, and we have to get it right the first time. We will, though. We'll figure it out.

Kadin... will not be coming down. No more hunting, no more hoping, no more playing. In the end, he's not for me, or I'm not for him, or... yeah. *wry grin* I still consider him pack, always will. I love him. He could show up after something goes wrong and say hey, can I stay for a night, and my answer would be an instant and unhesitating yes. But we talked tonight, for hours. Cried, both of us. He had put off making a decision for a long time now and it was hurting. Tonight he decided.

*curls just that much tighter around her loves* I know that Puppy will help me remember that I'm not going to play with the kitten any more, he's promised to remind me whenever I start getting mopy and wistful. Caleb will be here, in my arms and my bed, I am still loved. Torian is mine, and... heh, y'know I'm still giddy from the conversation between she and I earlier? *grins* I am. It keeps making me want to just poing all over the place.

Today's been a really unexpectedly rough day and I know I'm gonna be pretty emotional for the next couple of days; I apologise in advance if I snap an' snarl, please don't take it personally, I'll try my best to calm down quick. I knew this decision needed to be made from the moment the fursona shift started happening, knew it after Kadin and I last played, have known it for a long long time. It's done. We've given it three tries; that's all there is, for this.

I... I feel sorry for him, mostly. I know it's not fun to be alone. But maybe now that he knows he doesn't have this any more, he'll be able to get up the courage to go looking for someone new. I'd like to see him happy. It's no longer my responsibility though, and... yeah. Right now? That's a surprising relief. There are things - and people - who deserve my attention right now, who I need to focus on, and I think clearing this up will give me the strength and space to do so.

What do I want for Christmas?

I want Puppy to come out here. I want finances to get back to an even keel without any more unexpected problems. I want to finish getting my dental work done. I want art supplies. I want a better moniter - mine is dying. I want to have the company and support of my loved ones in turning this home into a proper den. I want Caleb to be able to have a worry-free holiday. I want a bottle of that leather-and-dragonsblood perfume, or maybe one with leather, cinnamonspice, and roses, if they have such a thing. I want more pens. I want peace on earth and goodwill toward humanity. I want to have a full household again. I want to have one of my designs turned into a tattoo.

*sighs* Four thousand dollars. I want four thousand dollars - that would cover the bills, buy a new moniter and a bottle of perfume, leave plenty for getting presents for other people, paying for food, getting dental work done right away, and even a couple hundred for silly stuff. Without the stress and needing to run around trying to fix things, the peace and worry-free-ness and safety and such would take care of themselves.


I'm heading off in search of sunrise again. Sleep will likely help.

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