Previous - this entry written on January 19, 2007 at 10:43 pm - Next
Is this what you want?
Is this what you need?
You tear at my soul
To watch as I bleed...
Meh. It's actually been a good night, despite being sick as three dogs and a gerbil all day (yes, I like that phrase, it makes me all poingish imagining three dogs and a gerbil all laying around looking up at me with these soooooo-sad eyes). I got to go out to dinner with Soox, yay! Caleb's off visiting Noah and will return with penguins more likely than not. Puppy is ranting at his laptop whereon he is playing WoW and apparently getting ganked or something, but I think he's reasonably happy. It's all good.
There are other names that perhaps should be there; Kim, Nre, at times even Torian... but those three.
Where do you draw the line between pleasure and pain? When is the moment where a painful memory turns into meaningless echoes, and you're just left aching, missing the joy you remember far more clearly than the sorrow? Does it matter? I know the choices I made were reasonable and right at the time I made them. I know that life moves on. I'm not regretting anything, not wishing things Were Otherwise, I'm just taking out those precious fragments of memory and holding them close for a moment. It's comforting, for some reason. I think perhaps I just like being reminded that for a while, it was good, what we had. It was... perfect. Even if it didn't seem that way all the time, even if it only lasted for a brief span, even if it was strange and perverse and something Normal People wouldn't even understand, it was perfect.
Having Puppy here, spending time with Soox, snuggling with Caleb earlier, it's brought that sensation home. It's impossible to not be aware of how fortunate I am, and how fortunate I have been.
It hurts to miss them as much as I do. It's a pain that I wouldn't have if it hadn't been pure pleasure to be with them. I think that's a fair trade, really. *smile* It's worth it, it's always worth it.
Now if only I could remember that all the time... *wry grin*
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