Goldfrapp rocks my world, musically speaking.
Previous - this entry written on April 26, 2007 at 1:40 am - Next
...six months won't be enough. Six years wouldn't be enough. I could go sixty years without hearing from you and still, I'd miss the sound of your voice, I'd think of you at the oddest of moments, I'd treasure each second of the past that the holes in my memory haven't stolen away yet. It's nearly May. The sun is returning to our portion of the globe, the weather's getting warmer, the days are getting longer.
I still remember leaning against the wall at the greyhound station, watching your face as you called, grinning a bit, enjoying those moments where you'd yet to recognize me and I could stare, drinking in the sight of you. I...
...I miss you. I'll always miss you. Time may make it easier to deal with, easier to shove to the back of my mind, easier to drown in other thoughts, other people... but I will always miss you, I will always love you.
It's fairly accurate to say that every love I've had has been intense, long-lasting. I can't count on my fingers the number of times I've truly loved - Angel, Al-X, Scott, Rhett, Slash, Caleb, Torian, Nreshan, Kadin, Elru, Ryan, Radu, if I'd just two more fingers then I could - and of those, there's only two that I can say I don't love now. The rest I can honestly say I do still love. I may be unwilling to be involved, or unable to be involved, or for whatever reasons we may have drifted apart... but I do still love them, I would still drop whatever I'm doing and go to their aid if they asked, I would still open my door if they showed up and knocked, I would still be happy beyond words just to be able to curl up beside them and drift off to sleep.
So yeah. Six months, and who knows if after those six months either of us will be willing to initiate contact... but I'll still love you. That won't ever change.
When I give a portion of my heart, it's not done lightly. When I give not just affection but love, care, devotion, desire... a collar... it isn't something I can just forget.
*shrug* It doesn't matter, I know that much, have learned it painfully over the years. I can love with every fraction of myself, love madly and deeply, and still end up walking - or running - away, still be so hurt or so confused that I can't bear to be close to the same person I can't bear to be without. I'm more than a little bit screwed up; I have been for as long as I can remember, and though I am slowly growing up, slowly healing, I'm still pretty fucked-up compared to most people.
No, I don't know why I had the urge to write all this down. I don't know why I'm thinking about might-have-been or once-was or shoulda-woulda-coulda. I just know that right now, there's a catch in my throat, my eyes are threatening to turn damp, and it was write this out or go hide on the porch and have a cry, and I really don't feel like crying. *wry grin*
Eh. I have hamsters, and good friends, and painkillers, and people who love me as much as I love them, and a computer, and cable TV, and chocolate, and pens, and... yeah. Life's not really all that bad, even when the late-night blues creep up on me for a minute. I'm ok.
Life goes on.
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