Not even valium is helping.
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Everyone's out watching the third Pirates movie. I couldn't sleep much all night, had horrible nightmares whenever I managed a half-hour or so of sleep, feeling antisocial and icky enough that I didn't go watch johnny depp being a pirate which for those who know me is pretty much par to me being dead or something. I just...
...no, see, I actually know why I'm feeling like this.
Why all my nightmares were what they were.
Why I want to crawl into a hole somewhere and never come out.
Why I've stopped believing in myself again.
And it doesn't matter. I can't do anything about it. I'm the one who lets them go. I'm the one who smiles and nods and says it's fine. I'm the one who says I trust them, that I believe they'll be back, that... that it'll be ok.
I'm the one who lies to myself so I can let a smile be the last they see of me.
And it is the last, isn't it?
I just... I can't pretend, not yesterday, not today, I can't just paste on a smile and act like it doesn't hurt. I can't do it.
I get my amatryptaline refilled soon.
I've got plenty of lorazepam.
Yeah, so apparently comcast wasn't auto-paying. The last number there is the past-due amount, second number is the total due, first number is the one to call to pay. *mutter* I can't even just GO, the household falls to pieces the moment I stop paying attention, I have to deal with this shit first.
Yeah. Not doing well.
Not that it actually matters, does it?
Kate's got shit of her own she's going through. Puppy's got a girl and a job and a family back in Boston. Torian's going to go back, start school, gods only know if I'll ever see her again. Kadin's doing well, last I heard. Angel's happy on the coast. My sister's got a new boytoy and an incredibly good job. I... am kinda unnecessary.
Some days I can push it to the back of my mind. Some days I can't. And some days - today - it's just too much. It's all too much.
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