...no, see, I actually know why I'm feeling like this.

Why all my nightmares were what they were.

Why I want to crawl into a hole somewhere and never come out.

Why I've stopped believing in myself again.

And it doesn't matter. I can't do anything about it. I'm the one who lets them go. I'm the one who smiles and nods and says it's fine. I'm the one who says I trust them, that I believe they'll be back, that... that it'll be ok.

I'm the one who lies to myself so I can let a smile be the last they see of me.

And it is the last, isn't it?

I just... I can't pretend, not yesterday, not today, I can't just paste on a smile and act like it doesn't hurt. I can't do it.

I get my amatryptaline refilled soon.

I've got plenty of lorazepam.

18662089265
479.48
319.59

Yeah, so apparently comcast wasn't auto-paying. The last number there is the past-due amount, second number is the total due, first number is the one to call to pay. *mutter* I can't even just GO, the household falls to pieces the moment I stop paying attention, I have to deal with this shit first.

Yeah. Not doing well.

Not that it actually matters, does it?

Kate's got shit of her own she's going through. Puppy's got a girl and a job and a family back in Boston. Torian's going to go back, start school, gods only know if I'll ever see her again. Kadin's doing well, last I heard. Angel's happy on the coast. My sister's got a new boytoy and an incredibly good job. I... am kinda unnecessary.

Some days I can push it to the back of my mind. Some days I can't. And some days - today - it's just too much. It's all too much.