A rather long update, whee!
Previous - this entry written on May 29, 2007 at 8:01 pm - Next
I can see you
your brown skin shining in the sun
you've got your hair combed back and
and I can tell you
my love for you will still be strong
after the boys of summer have gone
Yeah, thinking about a lot of things.
Puppy called, a couple hours ago. His father has fucked him over... again. He's surprised, gods only know why, and hurt, which is reasonable, and it's going to be harder for him to get back here now.
Last night, Torian and I talked. It started out being about Kadin. I haven't talked to anyone about him in a while, not more than passing mention, and... stuff just kind of poured out. How badly I'd fucked up, fucked him up. How much I miss him still. What I almost regret, why I don't really regret it, why every second of pain that he's ever caused or added to is still worth it just for the time we had. I love him; that's never going to change. It can't, not without me being someone different. Who I am now is in large part because of the time we spent together. Why I can love anyone, why I can be gentle, why I can... care... if it wasn't for him, I don't think I could. I'd still be dead inside.
I miss him a lot, every day. That's never really going to change either. I know he's not coming back, I know it's Done, I know and I've coped and I'm more or less ok with it but that doesn't change the fact that he was part of my life for years and I still feel... like something's missing, when he's not here. Just as I miss Puppy, as I'll miss Torian, as I miss Kate when she's not home, as I still miss Rhett and Nick and Angel and Al-X - yes, I still miss him. Yes, I still love him. What, did you think that had ever stopped? If so, you've not been paying attention. *wry grin*
Finances are still fucked up; I'm not even going into that, I can't. Too much to think about.
I got an email from Scott today - Juliet's Scott, amazing that I still think of him as that when trying to define which Scott he is, old habits really do die hard for me. *shrug* It was good to hear from him. He's offered to have Kate and I come out to visit, come stay with him for a while, get away from it all. It's a nice thought, and although we really can't I'll still dream about it a bit. I miss seeing him, and... ehh. A break from All Of This would be such a relief.
I'm working in photoshop right now, just got distracted by the techno mix I'm listening to and had to write for a minute. I'm still here, still alive, still doing things, still trying to cope, trying to make everything ok, trying to survive.
Some days it works better than others.
I had a miscarriage night before last, in the middle of a Shari's of all places, while we were out visiting Candice. The aftershocks are still hitting - there's a lot of pain and some pretty nasty emotional waves, and I've still got the food cravings and morning sickness so I may have to go see a doctor, but I'm hoping that my body will just heal on its own this time and I'll be ok. I don't think I can deal with medical poking and prodding right now. I'd flip, completely flip. It'd be pretty bad.
There's a lot of shit going on. I don't write in here as much as I used to; gods know I should, likely it'd help, but there's so rarely privacy and time, usually if I'm online I'm just trying to catch up on other peoples' journals and on email and then lose myself in something to keep from hurting or freaking out or whatever other bad thing seems to be happening. *sigh* I'm still here though, neh? I'm not giving up, not quitting, not ever.
Kadin, if you read this... I know it's not been six months yet, but... post, please? I'd like to know how you're doing, what's going on with you, even if I'm not getting it direct. I do still worry about you. *shrug*
Lio'an had her babies sometime today; Alex is curled up with her and the wee ones, being all protective, and they're still pink and furless and not even really able to move on their own. Dun' know how many there are yet, I only moved their hidebox long enough to make sure she was ok, and to see that yes, she had given birth, then put it back before she could get worried. Clio should be giving birth soon too, if she hasn't already, and that's a good thing. Kaa got a long shower-and-bathtime... yesterday? Yeah, yesterday, I think. It was quite nice, he was being very friendly and enjoying wandering around in the water and climbing all over me and the tub fixtures; I put the shower on mist setting, fill the tub with about three inches of warm water, and turn off all but a string of party lights in the bathroom, it turns into a steamy tropical pool basically and he gets to swim and play and be warm and hydrated and yeah, he seems to get a kick out of it.
I'm waiting for Kate to get back; she worked over at Dixon Household today, wanted a bit of privacy mostly, I think, and it's easier to get there than here right now. She's out with Deborah, getting food and looking at new fridges, which is good as ours leaks and is posessed by The Scent. >.> Yes, that deserves to be in bold. It's a rather terrifying odor that refuses to leave. The techno mix is nearly done... and Kate just walked in the door, so I'm going to post this and go eat and yeah.
Hi, all. I'm still here.
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