Grr. It's like PMS, a period, giving birth, and having a panic attack ALL AT ONCE. Fun. Really.
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While watching Mario Batali on TV during a Food Network special on Rachel Ray...
Me: ...great italian chef, blah blah blah, and his food tastes great.
Torian: His food tastes great? How do you know?
Me: I've made a bunch of his recipies and I've watched the show often enough to SEE that he's cooking good stuff.
Torian: But how do you KNOW? Have you eaten something he cooked?
Insert long discussion wherein I try to explain how I can be certain that his food tastes good even if I haven't been to his restaraunts or had him as a personal chef or such... insert Torian disagreeing and looking at me like I'm a moron... insert me giving up, patting her on the head, and going back to watching TV, or trying to.
Torian: Why do you do that?
Me: What, pat you on the head?
Torian: And give me that look. It's insulting.
Me: ...y'know, that was kind of the point. The whole 'condescending pat on the head thing'. *mentally* Can I go back to watching TV now without arguing about anything for five minutes?
For those who don't know, I'm going in tomorrow for a D&C procedure to deal with the leftovers from the miscarriage. I've been in constant severe pain for the last week, I miscarried at a fucking Shari's on the other side of town, I've already had to go to the ER once and am seriously afraid I'll end up in the hospital if anything goes wrong with the procedure tomorrow. I'm NOT in a good mood, I'm NOT willing to be patient, mostly I just want to be left alone so I can try not to have a full-blown panic attack instead of the anxiety attacks I'm already having near-constantly. I'm not good company right now, I've tried to make that clear to those around me. I won't be offended if they leave me alone and do other non-Jax-involving things. Hell, I'll be grateful. *twitch*
So why does it surprise someone LIVING WITH ME RIGHT NOW that if we get in an arguement, I'm going to be crabby and rude? WHY?
Kate's off at a BBQ - I was supposed to go, so was Torian. I chose to stay home 'cos I was exhausted and feeling like crap and I know I'd be horrid company... part of me, much as I love her, is really wishing Torian had gone and I had the house to myself. At least then I wouldn't have to worry about pissing her off or hurting her feelings, and wouldn't have to deal with unending streams of questions (how many times can I say "I don't know, look it up online" regarding bus schedules before it sinks in? It'd passed ten times before I started refusing to answer at all), and wouldn't feel like a horrible host, and would just be able to curl the fuck up without feeling guilty or uncomfortable.
Days like this, I really miss having privacy. I miss having my computer desk off in another room, so when I was on it there would never be someone looking over my shoulder, or playing music, or watching TV, or talking loudly, or ANYFUCKINGTHING ELSE, right next to me. I... meh. Just getting twitchy. It happens. It'll pass.
It had better pass. I'm out of lorazipam and won't be able to refill it for a few days.
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