Fire Dance
Previous - this entry written on July 10, 2007 at 2:12 pm - Next

...I have "Let It Burn" by The Dreaming stuck in my head today. Also currently I have it in my ears, as I gave in and just stuck the damn thing on repeat. Yay for winamp.

Gmail's cooperating again, also yay.

I'm going to have to talk with Kate about getting a new computer SOON, I'm reasonably sure most of the problems I've been having are my computer's fault, as now I can't get onto qtask without it crashing. *mutter* Stupid machine.

Got to talk to Torian, at least briefly... that was much goodness. I miss her, even more than I'd expected I would. Of course, for once I know WHY my emotions are doing what they're doing; unfortunately, it doesn't actually help me deal with it. *shrug*

See, Gordon's off in Boston-ish, and we talk only rarely... and the conversation mostly is just me listening while he rants about whatever thing has made him upset that particular day. Torian's back in Israel and while I know we'll eventually talk, be it online or via phone, she's still not HERE. And Kate...

...gods, where do I even START there? With her still in transition, it's really fucking with my head any time I even try to play. I love her, but... this half-and-half is seriously getting to me, and I'm out of lorazepam, so yeah. Nothing there either, when it comes down to it.

And on top of that all, there's Kadin. I may be able to cope just fine with the idea of friendship but I am also completely unable to forget what used to be between us. I don't think it will affect anything else, but it IS definitely making me more aware of what I don't have. *sigh* Not that this is new either, every time I've thought about him in the last few months it's made me painfully aware of just what I'm craving and how completely I DON'T have it right now.

I... meh. I want. I need. I desire. I crave. Familiar song, the tune never really changes.

Oh, and to top it all off, I've got an appointment with the new doctor on Friday the 13th. *wry grin* I'm hoping that it'll go well and that she will be a doctor I can deal with; if she's not, I'll have to start the search all over again, and gods only know when I'll be able to get another appointment with whatever doctor I find and my time is running out. *twitch* There's a rather loud countdown clock that I get reminded is ticking every time my stomach refuses to eat or starts craving, every time the cramps hit, every time I even look in the mirror.

I don't have TIME.

So. I'm going to eat a sammich, maybe log into WoW for a while, if that works, and think. I'm... hm. Clear-headed isn't quite the right phrase as it's HARD to think clearly when portions of your body feel like they're being stabbed with rusty pitchforks and other portions are insisting they are One Giant Bruise, but I haven't had anything but advil and occasionally an antihistamine since before Torian left. I think it'll be good for me in the long run, to be off the drugs for a while and all, but it's still hard right NOW. Anyway, yeah, no drugs, no alcohol, nothing but the inside of my head...

...which right now is fracturing worse than it's done in a long time. I'm betting my next few entries will end up in the Collection rather than here.

I would KILL for some good chocolate.

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