...'cause I'm stormy again...
Previous - this entry written on July 25, 2007 at 7:52 pm - Next

It never fails... let me listen to music from "Last Of The Mohicans" for very long at all and I'll start crying. I'm on vicodin, lorazepam, and I'm STILL sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I don't even entirely know why, other than a few very very strong memories of the movie and the few times I've gotten to spend time alone listening to the soundtrack.

I always wanted to be loved like that. Someone who would sacrifice himself to save me. Someone who would walk off a cliff rather than be with someone who hurt me. Someone who would always find me, always be there, someone I could believe would never leave, never let me down. A hero. A slave. A warrior. A friend.

Tears, still. I remember standing alone in an empty house, the soundtrack playing on the speakers, naked, hardwood floor cold under my feet, and just... moving. Somewhere between dancing, ti chi, and pacing. I was thinking of Angel at the time, remembering how her eyes seemed to shine in the dark, the color of her skin... dreaming of what it would be like to curl up in her arms and never have to leave. Not alone, not hurting, not afraid, just... safe. Happy. I was sixteen, and I was dancing naked in someone else's house, the only place that sounded safe was another woman's arms, and if I'd had a knife handy I suspect I would have ended up leaving quite a mess. I wanted that kind of pain, controlled, sharp, beautiful, to balance out the ache inside.

I still do sometimes, y'know. I don't talk about it often. I don't DO it, not in any way that is likely to be noticed in an ER anyway. Some nights though, when the ache is so strong that I can barely breathe...


And now, thinking of Angel and thinking of the warrior-slave I Own - yes, Own, I'm not claiming otherwise now, I wouldn't even bother to try after the last few nights - thinking of them, I'm crying still. Remembering how it felt to simply look into their eyes.

It's why even though What Might Be between her and I is confusing, new, strange, there's not a chance in hell I would turn her down or try purposely to push her away.

It's why even when I've been furious at Puppy, I still am here when he calls at night, crying, or drunk, or just shadowed and tired.

It's why I will always, ALWAYS put those I Own about anyone and anything else. I want to be this for them as much as I need this from them. I want to be the one they can always turn to, the one they know will be there when the world turns to shit, the one they can trust will find them no matter what happens or how long it takes. It's why I miss Kadin so much, why I miss Rhett so much, why I can't stop loving. It's so many 'why's all rolled up in one.

I miss them all so much right now, everyone, but I think I'm glad there's no one here right now to see me cry. Right now, I couldn't be strong, I can't fight the tears and I don't want to.

Right now, all I can do is miss them, and love them... and I do.

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