Why is this so fucking stressful?
Previous - this entry written on August 13, 2007 at 4:18 pm - Next

I am not going to scream. Really, I'm not.

One paragraph consisting of three sentences. A second sentence saying "Oh, if/when you get this, text me back so I know it went through." And apparently that's enough for his phone to think I'm spamming him.

Screaming really wouldn't help.

I try calling him during the day - he's at work, busy, ok, I understand. I hadn't known that his phone would delete my text messages because they were too long, now I know, ok, got it. He calls me when he's done with work to tell me that the text didn't go through - also ok, this is something I do need to know, although I would have preferred not to have the information barked at me.

What is NOT ok is that the moment I make a comment that isn't directly related to "OMG sorry no more text messages kthxbai" I get told "This is why I never want to talk to you, you always end up talking about some weird shit and not what I called to talk to you about," which is rather vicious and I'm pretty sure, not true. Among other things, if it were true, then why the HELL would we have had long multiple-hour calls where he's spending most of the call fucking crying in my ear about his latest heartbreak or the way his family has fucked him over this time?

Throwing things won't help either.

So yeah. I'm sorry that I don't have your fucking schedule memorized or have ANY idea what days you work and what days you don't this week - it'd help if you actually told me such things, or posted them in your journal, then I would be very careful not to interrupt your work. I'm sorry that my idea of a conversation differs from yours in the area of possible topics, and I'm sorry that unlike most days when you get off work and call me, this time you apparently did NOT want to just have someone to talk to for the drive home, clearly I should have read your fucking mind and figured out that today was different. I'm sorry... wait. No, that's not right. Actually, I'm not SORRY for any of that, and it's a really snotty way to put it, and I apologise.

I'm frustrated. I'm annoyed. I'm even a bit worried, because like I said, usually at the end of the day you want someone to talk to, this sudden-snapping isn't like you. I just don't know what to say. The first time you called, it barely managed to wake me up, I'd been up all night, Becca was over and crashed on the bed with Cate and the inflatable bed has a leak, so I didn't really have anywhere to sleep until about 11:30 this morning, and didn't FALL asleep until at least noon. I couldn't get to the phone before you hung up, crawled back in bed, then dragged myself back out when you called back. I swear I answered the phone politely, I don't know what the hell happened to you today, but it must have been a pretty bad day for you to yell like that, and for that I AM sorry, though I don't think there's much I could do about it.

Look, get some rest, get something to eat, go fuck some bubble-brained brunette, whatever. Get yourself back to feeling ok... or if you can't, call me and talk about what's wrong, I'm here for that. Just please, don't take a bad day out on me.

The first line of the text message was basically "Call me in the afternoon, this is going to be a rough morning and I could use a friendly voice." I'm honestly not up to being the one you yell at today, puppy. I'm sorry - actually sorry - for that too, I know that you need the stress release valve, somewhere to rant where you know it'll be ok afterward. Give me a few more hours, and that'll be me.

The rest of the text message was, stripped of the cute phrasing and the occasional vicious-bitch barb, pointing out that western union has my gmail address, girl.with.ink, and your current WoW password, as the account info for you, it's already got my address, your address, and just about everything else filled out, and would save you some time. Now... ehh. Maybe that's what is upsetting you. Look, if you can't right now, that's ok too, just TELL me. Don't growl at me, don't try to chase me off, just be honest. That's all I've ever asked of you, that you do what you can, and tell me when you can't. It IS ok.

So yeah. I'm going back to bed; email me if there's any info I need to have, call if you actually want to talk, and otherwise, I'm going to try to get more than four hours' sleep.

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