Counting Crows time, yay.
Previous - this entry written on August 30, 2007 at 5:26 am - Next more peaceful medicated moment...

Gods, I wish.

Had an unplanned visit with the doctor today, whee. Apparently I am still massively infected, the antibiotics they had me on aren't working. Duh? It still hurt, I could have told them that. DID tell them that. Fucking ow. So I'm on not one but TWO new antibiotics... and supposed to be on a third but it doesn't have a generic form and the normal form costs something like $225 for one week's worth. The doctor and the pharmacy are back-and-forthing with my insurance trying to get them to accept that no, there IS no generic, so I can't take one, but yes, I DO need the medication... as it is I had to do something I said I wouldn't and use Puppy for one of the other two - they don't make a generic of it either but it's only $40 or something.

I'm awake now - fucking 5:30 in the morning, woke up because it hurts too damn much to sleep, I can't drink with any of my meds, the only way to get back to sleep will be to double-dose myself with amatryptaline and lorazepam and pray that's enough... seriously, I can't do this. I can't.

There's Big Drama with Rhia and Randy, Cate's busy working all the time, they've been keeping her late, last time Becca tried to come over she basically dropped off the face of the earth when she went to pick up Ryan and I haven't heard from her since... I'm alone, I'm scared, I'm hurting, I get nightmares every damn time I sleep and wake up before I've had enough sleep, lousy as it is, because I hurt so fucking much, I can't do this, I can't cope with this, I'm not that strong. I feel like I'm just waiting for one more Bad Thing, one more fuckup, one more straw on the camel's back, and then...


All I know is that I don't have the strength to keep going like this. Maybe I used to... but I've used it all up, and there's no one here to draw more from. I can't even Feed here.

...she takes her pills
careful and round
one of these days...

I wasn't kidding when I said I'd been reading up on my meds again. I've got enough to go out with a bang... and bring a couple people with me, even.

...Margerie's dreamin' of horses...

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