Previous - this entry written on August 30, 2007 at 7:35 am - Next
Deleted a bit of my last entry. The person it mentioned felt I was misrepresenting what actually happened.
I'm not supposed to take baths for another week but I'm thinking that y'know what? A nice back would do me good anyway. Soak out everything, y'know. No more impurities. Scrub myself clean.
I can't even think about the miscarriage without bursting into tears, still. If there had been just one less fuckup... if they'd had me hospitalized like I'd asked so there was someone THERE when it started going wrong... maybe... maybe...
...yeah. fuck maybe. Maybe doesn't happen.
I hurt a lot right now, not supposed to take ANY painkillers, no advil, no alieve, no aspirin, no tylenol, no alcohol, nothing. Just pain, nonstop, unending, horrible miserable STUPID fucking pain. And people expect me to have intellegible conversations at 7 in the morning when I'm feeling like this? The only thing I can think about without starting to bawl like a baby involves the one sure-fire way to make the pain stop for good, and yeah, I know just how thrilled that'd leave everyone else. I can't do it to them. I can't. I can't. And if I tell myself that often enough sooner or later I'll believe it again, right?
Seriously, if I had half a brain I'd be waking up Cate and asking her to take me to the damn ER so there would be someone watching me. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the day.
Puppy says if I'm not getting better in a week, he'll come down and sort things out. He's been saying that for quite a while though... not happening.
I don't think I can walk to the hospital; can't get anyone to take me at this hour even if there was someone I was willing to talk to about this.
Torian called... gods, I love her, I don't want to hurt her like this, I don't want to hurt anyone like this, but I don't want ME to be hurting like this either. I just want it to all go away, all the misery and the pain and the fear and the frustration and the weakness and ALL of it, dammit. I want it to stop, somehow. It has to stop. I'm fracturing further and further, already there are parts of my head I can't get to, if this keeps up gods only know how many years it's going to take me to repair myself again.
Bleeding out isn't a hard death, y'know. I mean, the cuts sting a bit, but then you just sleep. A handful of painkillers to ease the sting, some aspirin to make sure the blood keeps flowing, a tub full of nice warm water, maybe some classical music playing... it'd be easy.
Don't worry. As long as I'm ranting about it here, I'm not bloody likely to DO it. I just needed an outlet.
And some sleep. I need some sleep. Gonna drug myself unconscious, call Puppy when I wake up, and maybe by then life won't hurt quite so bad.
Wish I could remember if I'd taken my meds or not already this morning.
Don't quite care enough to count pills and check.
I just want to sleep.
Don't wake me up.
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