Too Old For Prayer
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Talked very briefly to Puppy; odd. I'd swear he had someone over, I didn't ask and he didn't say so, but... yeah. Ambient sounds of another person, and a scrap of voice that could have been TV but didn't sound like it. I can't quite bring myself to care - I'm at one of those points where it's like I don't even HAVE emotions, they all just went dead for a while. No anger, no desire, nothing but boredom and a vague need for sleep and of course, always, pain. I wanted to keep him talking, kind of, but even that wasn't a strong enough sensation to so much as protest when he changed subjects, then hung up. Can't care. Don't care. Won't care, likely, until after I've gotten some sleep or some stronger drugs. So odd.
I've been avoiding AIM for much the same reason, I can't bring myself to care about talking to anyone, if anything I want to avoid conversation, avoid having to pretend to be human, or even a cat. There's just... nothing. Nothing there. I've been feeling like this a lot lately, I don't know if it's an odd reaction to a medication or a psychological aftermath thingie from the miscarriage or what, all I know is that somehow I seem to have used up most of my emotions. The recent fiasco with Torian was felt, occasionally there'll be moments of mild amusement or shame or something, but there's no undercurrent like there used to be, it's either a reaction to something happening Right Now or it's NOTHING.
I don't like feeling nothing, as much as I am capable of liking or not liking anything right now. It's not right, not normal for me, and I get the distinct impression it's not mentally healthy. I don't know what to do about it. I need to get that psychiatrist appointment scheduled, and soon... not that I can really afford even more doctor visits or medications, but it's that or soon stop getting what medications I DO have and stop functioning completely. Again.
So yeah. I'm going to go browse cable, take my meds, pray something shocks me out of this, and eventually, sleep. Deep sleep. Drugged sleep. Maybe I won't dream. I'd like that.
Daya, Kalom, this one night, give me rest. Please.
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