An hour is FOREVER, argh.
Previous - this entry written on September 13, 2007 at 12:05 pm - Next

I leave for the doctor in just under an hour. Yeah, I'm nervous - he'd said if nothing was wrong on the scans, he'd just let me know, no need to schedule a follow-up appointment... but his receptionist said she'd tried three different times to call, left messages each time, that it was urgent I got the follow-up appointment. Which means the scans found... something.

Could be spinal arthritis. Could be a fracture. Could be a slipped disc, could be a bone spur, could be something even more freaky and the only reason I haven't died yet is that I haven't moved just wrong yet. Could be something vague, a shadow, a blur, and we just need to re-scan to be sure it's ok. I don't know. I can't even guess. And it scares me.

The thing with my body is that a lot of the problems, I've gotten used to. When it hurts in some spots, to a certain degree, it's just like 'ok, same old same old, I'm functioning as well as usual'. It's the unknown that frightens me. I'm actually afraid to find out what's wrong, on a weird level. As long as I didn't know, I could keep hoping it would Just Go Away eventually. Now... now it might be something they can't fix, can't cure. It might be something that they know, and I'll know, will only get worse.

I can't even put into words how much this scares me. My hands are trembling. I haven't been able to sit still since we saw the doctor, I keep tapping a food, twitching a knee, shifting, I can't NOT move. I want to ink myself, something grand, full-face and a hand design, maybe even something I can easily replicate on both hands. I want something to make me feel safer, and ink always does that.

I'm incredibly glad that Angel is here this week, even more so than I was before this. Around her, I always feel more like myself, more aware, more alert, able to deal with whatever happens. She's a piece of my soul in many ways, and with her present I simply am more whole. It's been this way since we first properly Met, and... yeah.

Part of me desperately wishes Torian, or Puppy, or Kadin were here. The more people I have who depend on me and who I can depend on physically present, the less stressed I am, the more I can save my energy for behaving like a rational human instead of a freaked-out cat. This will do though, I'll have Angel and Deborah and will come back home to Cate, Torian will likely be online at some point today and I can call and bother Puppy later, it'll be ok.

It'll be ok.

Must convince myself of that.

...damn hard, right now. So very worried. Wish me luck.

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