You Get What You Deserve? Not in this life, honey.
Previous - this entry written on September 21, 2007 at 10:28 pm - Next


there�s no end to the love you can give
when you change your point of view underfoot
very good: you may be flat but you�re breathing

there�s no doubt he�s at home in his room
probably watching porn of you from the fall
it�s last call and you�re the last one leaving
and you thought you could change the world

by opening your legs
it isn�t very hard
try kicking them instead
and you thought you could change his mind
by changing your perfurme to the kind his mother wore
o god delilah why?
i never met a more impossible girl....

in this same bar where you slammed down your hand
and said �Amanda, i�m in love�
no you�re not
you�re just a sucker for the ones who use you
and it doesn�t matter what i say or do
the stupid bastard�s gonna have his way with you...

you�re an unrescuable schizo
or else you�re on the rag
and if you take him back
i�m gonna lose my nerve
i never met a more impossible girl....

at four oclock he got off and
you called up i�m down at denny�s on route one
you won�t guess what he�s done
is that a fact delililah
larry tap let you in through the back
and use his calling card again
for a quick hand of gin

you are impossible, delilah: the princess of denial
and after 7 years in advertising you are none the wiser

you�re an unrescuable schizo
or else you�re on the rag
and if you take him back
i�m gonna lose my nerve

he�s gonna beat you like a pillow
you schizos never learn
and if you take him home
you�ll get what you deserve

i never met a more impossible girl

so don�t cry delilah
you�re still alive delilah
you need a ride delilah? let�s see how fast this thing can go.....

Dresden Dolls. I can't stop playing this song. Can't stop hearing it in my head.

Can't stop remembering.

Gods, the times I just turned my back... and the times I tried, and the times it was me falling for it all over again, and the times when all I saw was the aftermath, and there's so MUCH of my memory I wish I could forget, why don't the seizures take THIS shit away? I don't want to remember this. I don't want to remember the bruises, and the tears, and the way a razorblade feels held between fingers, and the taste of bile and blood and cum swallowed unwillingly. I don't want to remember how I must have looked - I've seen that look in others' eyes too much, I recognize it so clearly, and gods help me sometimes it was my fault.

I... gods.

Jennifer R. Two hundred dollars I stole just to give away. Her father's face every time he looked at her... *shudders* And the bruises on that beautiful pale skin, I cried for her and kissed each one and didn't admit to myself that I liked the way they looked, didn't ever admit when I was kissing away tears that I just wanted to taste them.

I was a stupid kid. I was blind. I was mute, when I should have been screaming.

Going back to Rocky is so strange. I can see all the kids hitting the same stages I did, I know why Grr tried so hard to play mommy to the world, it's impossible to just turn away and pretend it's all ok. I would take them all in, just to stop the aweful pain I can see in some of their eyes when they think no one's looking.

This is one of the reasons it hurt so much when Kadin left. He still had that look, and I couldn't fix it. I couldn't make it stop hurting. Funny, not something you really expect a sadist to say. It's a Big Thing, though. I don't want to hurt them if I can't make it stop hurting too. If I care enough to want them that close, to need them that much, then dammit, I want them ok afterward. I don't want to be this sort of memory for them.

I don't want to be sitting here right now, thinking about the past and feeling tears on my cheeks. I don't want to be sober, I don't want to be conscious, I don't want to be ME.

you�re just a sucker for the ones who use you
and it doesn�t matter what i say or do

Just... no.

I can't find words. This is the pain drugs can't even touch, these memories, this mix of desire and hatred and the dust of long-ago. This is why even if I was completely pain-free, some nights I'd still get so drunk I couldn't see straight.

This is part of who I am...

...and I wish it wasn't.

Previous - Next
Hosted by Diaryland - All Rights Reserved - Image, Layout, and Content copyright Jax Raven -
- Do Not Feed The Moose -




Human Pets!

Latest
Older
First

Profile
Cast
Disclaimer

Links
Pants
Porn
Addiction
Blowjobs

Notes
Guestbook

Art
Writings
Bad
Poetry
Collection
The Girls

Old-time
Radio
Techno
VideoSift
The Boxes
#submission

Hosted
at D-land