Previous - this entry written on October 27, 2007 at 2:45 pm - Next

...gods... six minutes of tears before I could bring myself to even move to grab the laptop. SIX MINUTES... and not tears of pain, tears of sheer relief. The pain - gone. Worry - gone. No aches, no fears, nothing but bliss so intense only orgasms and religion come close. SIX MINUTES. And they felt like six lifetimes.

Ohh puppy, that tainted, twisted half-soul you keep so tightly bound inside your head knew what he was doing when he taunted me with this. You know that's why I've been distant, yes? Or did he let you see that? Did you hear the words that, for the first time ever, made me hesitant to talk to you? Do you know what button that silver-tongued demon found to push?

There are times when I would do anything, anything, for this feeling. Minutes, hours, even days, when I would sell my soul for even a moment of this peace. I might even be convinced to release my hold on yours. They say everyone has a weakness... this is mine. I've lived with the pain for so long that it takes a lot of it to even make me more than marginally aware it hurts... and when there IS that much... yeah. I've spent entire days curled in my bed, crying myself to sleep only to wake up in agony an hour or two later and cry myself to sleep again. Anything that makes the pain stop... priceless.

It's worse than just an addiction. Addictions, you go for long enough without the thing and once the withdrawals drop away, you can survive. Hell, long enough and you almost forget you'd been addicted. Pain, though... when there's so much pain you can't forget that there is something that would ease it, something to make you numb.

I hate opiates. I HATE them. I fear them. I despise them.

And I take them every chance I get.

I hadn't realized entirely why I was fading out until today, incidentally. I knew I was doing it but couldn't figure out what triggered it, why something was bothering me enough to make me back away from someone who made me happy and was so very useful. Now that I know... heh. Now that I know, I can get off on the very same fear that had me hiding. I'll enjoy it, savor it, and I WILL CONTROL IT. I refuse to let any addiction, any fear, and any other person, take what control I have spent years fighting for.

So yeah. I'm going to go back to watching horror flicks and savoring this bit of pain-free peace. Enjoy your day, y'all...

...and Torian? *wicked grin* My lips miss you as well. I have a very clear memory in mind right now, the way that soft skin on the back of your neck tastes, the feel of it against my lips, the way you almost melt into my arms when I kiss you there. *purrs softly*

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