A Tacky Egyptian Flick, part one
Previous - this entry written on October 30, 2007 at 11:13 pm - Next

So this movie (which I am not naming yet) opens with a couple of dirtbikers out in the middle of nowhere. One of 'em falls into an unexpected hole in the ground, and the other climbs down to help him out - first stupid idea.

Then they decide to smoke a joint while they're down there - second stupid idea - and the director of this abysmal piece of filmmaking decided to BLUR OUT THE JOINT SMOKING... but only while they're inhaling, not when they're exhaling smoke or just holding the joint.

The kids trigger some boobie traps and we move on.

Cool credits, actually, unfortunately they end after a while and there's more movie.

We see the First Mate of the exploration arguing with a local sheriff and the local coroner, who inform the egyptologists (who btw are in Southern California, they SAY this, for some reason there's a temple tomb underground in California) that because there were dead bodies they'll have to stop the excavation and seal it back up. Now really, when has a CORONER had the authority to stop an important archeological dig, hm?

Apparently a priestess had been evicted from Egypt because she practiced black magic (because yeah, that concept was around) and buried in California. The folks down in the tomb read the hieroglyphics (poorly) and establish that she expected to be raised from the dead to rule the world.

For some reason they're trying to keep the whole thing secret - the very rude French-accented Dig Captain insists that if ANYONE knows about it somehow it will not be the find of the century, that they MUST translate it all and explore it all before A FUCKING EGYPTIAN TOMB IN FUCKING CALIFORNIA is at all a unique or important discovery. O.o No, seriously. He actually threatens what is apparently going to become the heroine (who is quite cute, btw) to ensure she keeps quiet.

THe decorations on the walls seem to feature naked women and upside-down ankhs... I'm pretty sure there is something completely historically wrong about using those to indicate evil, the ankhs anyway. Women've been evil for freaking ever. *grin*

THis dig site has people wandering all over it, including several members of law enforcement. Oh hey, they got one thing right, the hero-chick isn't using flash photography, thank the gods. People are mysteriously disappearing, apparently. No one seems shocked or upset by this at all.

Oh hey, apparently she and one of the assistants on the dig are semi-exes. And they're arguing about it in a car on the way to the hotel they apparently are all staying at. Seems she got drunk and slept with her professor while dating assistant-boy. I'm sure these people have names but I haven't caught them.

This movie is screaming BAD AND STUPID. It is. It really is. Wow. I'm gonna go see if we have any convenient booze.

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