And hey, the workmen should be showing up in less than an hour. Just shoot me now.
Previous - this entry written on November 09, 2007 at 6:24 am - Next

Ok, yeah, never going to Israel, and if I somehow get dragged there unwillingly, NEVER setting foot on a public bus. *shuddertwitch* Poor Torian.

No sleep; gonna take another round of amatryptaline and stare at a movie, and pray that the siding people are quiet enough once they start work that I can fall asleep with earplugs and not get woken up every ten minutes. I should have taken another round sooner, but... ehh. I know what a reasonable and safe dosage is, and it's NOT more than 300mg in less than six hours, so I waited. This, like the Ultram, is one of those drugs that you do NOT want to fuck around with blindly. I know the few times I've forgotten I took it and accidentally double-dosed I could tell, and it was Not A Good Thing. It's also one of those drugs they try not to let you have much of at once if you're suicidal on a regular basis. *wry grin* Hey, it's not regular, it only happens what, every few years? It'll be a while before the stress builds up that high again, I hope.

And yes, it is mostly stress - stress because of bills, stress because of pain, stress because I worry about people, stress because I worry about me, stress because I always have to be alert for pre-seizure symptoms and there's always something going wrong with insurance or the pharmacy and I'm still in enough pain that I have a hard time stretching out the vicodin for a full month and can't convince myself to ask the doctor for more... gah. I could really use Puppy up here for a week or two, honestly. Schedule a doctor appointment, have him come in with me, I know perfectly well I'd get signifigently better care if he was there glaring at the doctor. *mutter*

Seriously, I don't know how the hell to cope with this. I may ring up the doctor tomorrow... err, technically today... and see if she'll refill the lorazepam early, explain what's been going on, etc. That at least will help calm me and get my mind to a point where I can turn it off enough to sleep easily.

I just... ehh. I'm tired, still. Tired of coping, tired of Dealing With It, tired of feeling torn between needing medication to feel even close to OK and hating medication because I'm fucking sick of taking pills, it makes me feel weak, like I should be able to function without them. I honestly can't, I KNOW this, and still I hate myself for it.

Gonna go find the amatryptaline bottle, wherever the fuck I put it, and check on-demand to see if anything I'm remotely interested in is playing.

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