Dreams are not always useful.
Previous - this entry written on November 21, 2007 at 4:59 am - Next

No, I don't take orders well... but suggestions, those I occasionally like.

Five journals that in some way inspired me. Hm. I'm not going to link to them, because at least one of them is private, at least one of them is no longer existing, and for the rest I'm too damn lazy.

First, the scarred and broken girl, bloodyscars/swollen-scar. I've been reading her for a long, long time now, and every time there's this terrible spark of recognition. She's a drug addict, bi leaning heavily toward lesbian, she writes with words like razorblades, just to read them cuts me. I don't know if it's sympathy, or fear that I'm looking in a mirror, or just the sadistic side of me enjoying it, but I can safely say her journal is one of the few that have in any way changed me.

The second is one that I think I do have to link to. Just re-reading it again... it's easier in a way to be strong when life is shitty, y'know? You have something to fight against, something that gets you sympathy, a reason to keep going because 'it'll get better, it has to get better'. What do you do when it DOES get better? When you look around, realize you're actually happy... and know in some deep part of your soul that it's not going to get better, from here on it's only going to get worse, and worse, and worse...

I've been honestly, truly, no-reservations happy a few times. Holding Amber. Watching Kadin sleep one morning with the sun in his hair. The first time I realized that right that second I had no debts, no pain, it was a beautiful day, and everyone I cared about was ok. The first time Angel and I kissed. Half-sleeping, listening to Zian and Torian laughing about something in the next room. Cutting. The first time Cate and I got fuzzed together. Watching Rhia walking around naked with a bird on her head.

And yes, every time it feels as if life is good, some part of me can't bear it... because I know it'll end, it'll go bad, that any moment the pain and the worry and the frustration will be back. *shrug*

Third diary... that'd have to be Unsent Letter. The name says it all, somewhere to put all the letters I can't or won't send, the things I couldn't actually say, the dreams I don't dare even whisper aloud.

Fourth... Kadin's, Back When. It was the first time I'd really gotten to see inside the head of someone I laid claim to, and it was beautiful.

Fifth, hm. Heh, actually that's pretty easy. Grr's diary. It always made me feel close to her, and she was a big part of my life for a very long time.

Half-depressed, half-nostalgic... I think I'm gonna take my meds and try to get some more sleep. I could use it.

Puppy... not that asking the last six million times has had any affect, but update, dammit. I miss your words. *shrugs*

We are flames bound in flesh, imprisoned by the very thing that gives us fuel and form, trapped on the edge of explosion. Every breath is a bellows, every word a spark leaping free. Is it any wonder I burn?

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