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For the last week, I haven't really had a sleep schedule. I crash when I can, usually for only a couple hours at a time, and frequently when I finally do get to sleep I wake up not because of alarms or schedules, but because of yet another thought burning so bright in my mind that it's wake up and write it down or explode. When this is over, there's going to be a new muse added to the list.
It's frightening to feel so driven. I haven't burned like this since back on the coast, some of those nights, since Sieia-To was completely separate, since... since I started growing up, I guess. I thought it was just being a teenager that did it, being young, being pregnant, being whatever I was at the time. I thought I'd outgrown this feeling.
Part of me is relieved to find that it's still there, that the drive to create and to BE can be so strong even when my body has become so frail and my life so different. Part of me is terrified that it won't stop, that it will burn me up until there's nothing left. Part of me is wondering if I'm making the right choice, if it would be better to just live the life I thought I would have a few weeks ago. Part of me wants to give up already. Part of me wants to run screaming. Part of me wants to hide.
Each night, a bit more of myself is seared away, left in ashes as I rise just that bit higher. I don't know if I'm going to be able to keep this up, but I know, I KNOW without any real doubt, that I have to try. Finally, there's something I can do.
I want this to just disappear, to wake up the next time and be normal. I want this to never end.
I know what I'm doing is the best thing, the right thing, no matter how hard it may get. It's worth it, it will be worth it even if I fail, just to have seen this vision and fought for it, tried for it.
I'm going to try sleeping again; dunno if it'll work. Whether it does or not, I already know I'll be back up in a few hours, thinking, writing, pacing, making phone calls and setting appointments and forcing myself to take another step on this Golden Path. Gods, it scares me so much... not even because I think I'll fail but because I'm terrified of what will happen if I succeed. Everything will change, I won't be Jax any more, hiding in her house, wearing warpaint every time she steps outside for long. I won't be unknown, I won't have the privacy and freedom I do now.
Thing is, if I succeed, the world WILL be better, and my life WILL be better, and... gods. Daya, Kalom, give me the peace of mind to sleep, and the strength when I wake to keep walking this path.
Let me keep believing.
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