...Blazing In Zcarlet Battalions...
Previous - this entry written on June 30, 2008 at 5:33 am - Next
No, I'm not going anywhere, that's to one person specifically.
No, I really REALLY don't want to talk about it.
No, I'm not ok.
No, there's nothing (insert random offer here) can really do to help. I'll be fine, 'ventually. It's kind of a problem of my own making and all that.
While you wait, why not listen to an excellent rendition of "Waltzing Matilda"? It'll cheer you up.
I'll be AFK for a few days.
Hey, everyone else wants to disappear, apparently I've been disappearing for years, why fight it, right?
...yeah, yeah, writing when depressed was stupid, so's writing when sleep-deprived from another night spent at the hospital, fuck it. Fuck it ALL. Seriously, it's like the more important and unavoidable X complication is in my life, the more Y complication, Z complication, and every other complication will attempt to make things worse. It's never just one thing wrong at once. And some of those things...
...see, the more I try to pay attention to the ones going wrong here, physically, In Person, the ones that I can at least DO something about, the more it pisses off the people who aren't actually here and upsets them because then it feels like I'm ignoring them. Never mind that I've spent the last two years pretty much constantly in more pain than most people feel ever. Never mind that there've been financial problems, moving, problems with housemates, problems with Cate, Rocky, my mental issues, and hey, having my meds changed damn near every month which means I'm always either going through withdrawals, adjusting to a new medication, or seriously sick because either I don't HAVE the medications I need or the new one(s) I'm trying that month interact badly/I'm allergic to/my body won't digest... never mind the miscarriages, the attempts at relationships, the weird sleep problems, the seizures, the memory loss...
...no matter what's going on, there's always someone I'm not paying enough attention to, someone I can't satisfy, someone I'm hurting, someone I'm abandoning, someone I'm stressing out or pissing off or just complicating...
...and I should be far more hurt by that goodbye than I am but y'know what? I haven't had an anti-panic medication that properly worked for several months, had my amatryptaline dosage constantly changed, have spent the last few days taking care of Kim who, for the first day or two there, I was pretty sure had something potentially and IMMEDIATELY fatal going wrong, had a certain damned bastard reminding me of his (unfortunately) continued existence, and quite frankly I am too fucking exhausted and stressed and just plain SICK OF THIS SHIT to care.
No, I haven't been good enough, and yes, that's my fault.
Thing is... have I ever been good enough? Was there ever a point where I WAS giving enough attention, satisfying well enough, being the perfect Mistress, perfect lover, and perfect friend for you? Ever? Because I've been thinking back and honestly, all I can remember right now is day after week after month of not being enough.
I fail. I suck. I'm a terrible horrible person who isn't worth the effort and energy you've put into this relationship.
I'm gonna go back to worrying about the people I do seem to be good enough for, k?
*sigh* Yeah, like I said, I know updating now, just like letter-writing then, is a fucking terrible idea.
I'm too tired to care, and I don't know when I'll next have time or energy to write/update at all, so I'm writing this out before I pass out and then just going back on autopilot.
Not enough drugs in the WORLD.
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