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Weeks. Months. How long has it been since I've let this out, even on paper? Quite a while, at this point. No, I don't count my absent-minded exchanges with the mutt; particularly not of late, when we've been talking about IRL shit, Normal People things. But even before that, it's been a long, long time since I've really had a chance to Feed.
Yes, it's like that.
I want to take someone, to slip into their mind, strip away all the polite fictions that they keep in place when dealing with society. I want to rip apart their self-restraint, to tear at their sanity, their self-worth, even their existence. I want to mindfuck them until they don't even remember their own name. I want to rape them, hard and rough and furious. I want to forget how good I've been. How reasonable. Fuck it all.
Let it burn.
Months, fucking MONTHS, staying as close to Normal as I could, dealing with bills and doctors and Normal People. Months without any way to scratch the deepest itches. Yeah, Tiana's cute, Ashel's amusing, Kim's pretty, but can I really break them? Not without regretting it.
I want someone to break, dammit. I want someone that I know can handle what I need. I want someone I can USE, really truly use, without feeling like I'm going to hurt them too much or go too far or make things uncomfortable the next morning.
I want what I had, let's be honest here. This isn't just about the Hunger, though that's the trigger, the driving force. It's that damn it all, I HAD THAT. I had it, and I let it slip away, and you have no idea how many nights I've been killing myself because of that. Hell, right now if I could go back to living in the garage on Butler, troubles and all, losing the Pack, the house, the hamsters, EVERYTHING, but having what I had then, I would do it in a heartbeat. I want it back. I want them back. I want my LIFE back, dammit.
Yes, I mean that. I feel like since I went to California, I haven't really had MY life. I've had someone else's, bits and pieces of mine mixed with a life I don't even know how to deal with, let alone want. I'm not this person. I'm not this... this respectable, this caught up in my health, this worried about Normal Things, this ridiculously boring. I'm not this damned NICE. I've just been faking so long that it's hard to even try to be myself these days.
I take care of people. I keep Cate happy. I'm supportive, I'm attentive IRL, I'm responsible. I'm this huge list of things, looking at my life as it is right now, but dammit, that's NOT ME. I'm sick of it, I'm sick of trying to shove my Hunter's nature back into a corner, I'm sick of being a waystation for people who don't give anything in return, I'm sick of helping friend after friend deal with their emotional problems and ignoring my own, I'm SICK OF THIS.
I'm sick of being something that leaves me feeling dead, when I'm not so overwhelmed by a surge of Hunger that, like tonight, I can't even sit in the same car as my friends for fear I'm going to do something. I just spent over an hour quite literally biting my cheek to keep from poking at the mental and emotional buttons of two of my closest friends here in Portland - I've got a lovely gash in my cheek now that hasn't stopped bleeding in... *checks the clock* ...mm, nearly half an hour. Deep fucker.
Ehh. I'm talking with Torian and Kadin online right now, and even if there's no play, no satisfaction of that sort, there's still comfort there. It's...
...ok, it's going to end up being just as frustrating as not talking to anyone, but it's still oddly comforting. I've missed talking to them, missed it a lot.
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