Music going through my head.

I'm hungry. Want, rather abruptly, to be home.

I want to leave Spikeboy to Grr, because she wants him so badly and it's hurting her, because maybe if I'm not in the picture to distract either of them she will get him back...

...do I really believe that? No.

...do I wish it was that simple? Yes.

...do I have the moral strength or the cowardly urge to ACTUALLY back off and leave him to her?

...

...

...no.

*sighs* I'm weak, yes. And reading unsent letters like this one didn't help, really. Why didn't seeing that linked from Grr's entry help?

Oh, someone I trust, PLEASE ask me that when I'm so drugged that I'll be honest about it. I want this out.

we walk the narrow path
beneath the smoking skies
sometimes we can barely tell the difference
between the darkness
and the light
the way we feel
and what we believe
the truest test
is when we cannot
when we cannot see...

I can't see my way through this maze.

when I'm lonely
I lie awake at night
and I wish you were here
I miss you
can you tell me
is there something more to believe in
or is this
all there is?

I believe in myself... whether I like myself or not, I am sure I exist, and sure that I CAN effect this world and this life, and sure that I am who I am, whoever that might be.

I believe in my boys, because they have proven themselves time and time again, because I love them and because they love me, because they are amazing.

I believe in the Grr, who rocks my world and is supercool, and as female as I am at times, which makes me feel a bit better about my female, catty moments, which in turn make it easier to accept her such moments.

I believe in the damnevilcat.

I believe in chocolate.

I believe in fast-food egg rolls.

I believe in coffee and strong black tea, well-brewed and tasty.

I believe in books, and phone cards, and black velvet shirts.

...and I believe in Spike-boy, now. I don't know why. I don't think I can explain it properly. But I do believe in him.

He was... defining love, in a way, for me last night, per my request... and it was quite revealing.

See, he pictures himself saying "I love you" to someone... and if it feels wrong, just thinking about it, he doesn't say it. More than that, if it does feel right, he asks himself if, a few weeks or months or years down the road, there was something that strained or even severed the relationship, would he STILL be able to say it and mean it? Only if the answer is yes, does he say it.

He thinks in terms of forever, he does... or loves in forevers, at least.

It's impressive.

...that little bar is getting awefully small now...

I'm listening to a Lil' Kim remix of Phil Collins' song "In The Air Tonight"... it's actually pretty well-done, but really, I shouldn't be allowed to listen to this song and discuss love in the same breath.

Realistically, almost any song can be dangerous ground emotionally, when his arms are around me, his hands in my hair, his lips against mine, or biting at my throat, the feel of him swaying, pressing close... it feels as if he cares, then. It feels as if I am drowning in affection and desire and love...

...but although his touch, his movements, his eyes, give that impression, his lips deny the deception, honest silence or quick jokes. *shrugs slowly* He is full of contradictions.

Then again, aren't most people?

He's asleep in bed right now, as is Darren... I am tempted to go wake up the Cub and see if he's up to driving yet. It's been close to 12 hours since he went to bed, he SHOULD have had enough sleep now... but I don't want to be rude, he's a nice boy. *shruggles*

I DO want to go get food and vid cards and some of my stuff, though. I am not leaving Dixon Household... I am not denying my responsibilities there... but I AM very certain that right now, ZooHouse is warm and safe and comfortable, useful, someplace where I feel needed and wanted, and damn but they have FAST 'net access. *chuckles* Feeding my addictions.

Gonna have to wake up somebody soon... sitting out here, being the only one awake, is not good for me. I think too much when it happens. I'll go grab Christine, see if Spike will wake up in the process, then try to get out and get errands and foodness and card running done.

Don't think 'cause I understand
I care
don't think 'cause I'm talking
we're friends
underground
watch this space
I'm open
to falling from grace...