...got woken up FAR earlier than I'd wanted, just so I could drive Deborah downtown and back. Almost no sleep - tossed and turned, when I finally DID get to bed. Internal arguements.

Velvet and leather has been forsaken for sturdy nylon that fits better - we can breathe, which helps a bit.

Leash.

Our pride... how did we lose that, what happened?

We are so very confused here, you know.

And we want the things we can't have.

I keep drifting off, every few words I wake up nodding toward the keyboard. I won't be online long. I'm not texting anyone, not sending anything. Not like this, not when I KNOW I won't be awake enough to reply properly. I'm grabbing the phone, taking it upstairs with me so that I'll be able to answer it... I keep being all hopeful. I also keep hurting - one more dose of painkillers before I climb the stairs.

There's a thin sleeping bag spread on the floor - no carpet, just splintery boards, thus the bag. On top of it, a sheet, and a thick warm fur cloak. I don't know which, if any, I am allowed...

...I also know that ~I~ will be sleeping as comfortably as I can tonight.

I'm dreading this evening's call... in part because I'm afraid of what might be required of me, in part because I'm afraid of what might be required of others, in part because I know how much I'll be missing my boys...

...in part because I know that with just a little push in the right direction... but he won't ever push there. Relieving. Annoying. I don't know.

I don't understand myself, right now...

...anti-nausia, painkillers, a glass of water... then, bed. Sleep.

One thing changes, she'd do it all again... one thing changes, now nothing feels the same...