Too Many Lyrics, Too Many Pills, I'm Done Being Stupid
Previous - this entry written on June 19, 2002 at 11:44 pm - Next


I could quote a lot of lyrics here. A lot of songs, words that mean exactly what I want to say. Goddess knows I've quoted shit before, everything from Splashdown to Tom Petty - I did quote some Tom Petty before, right? No? Hrm. About time I did, then:

Yeah, the world would swing
if I were king...

...sorry. Almost.

"It's Good To Be King" by Tom Petty; it's actually a pretty good song, although if you're depressed don't listen to it, you'll want to go slit your wrists. *eyes her wrists for a moment* Oh, back off. I'm not going to cut myself tonight. I've just taken... *counts* ...16 sleeping pills. And a double dose of cold medication. And I'm staring at a shot glass of gin. Me, over-medicated? Nah.

I thought I wanted to die tonight. I honestly thought I did. I stared at the pills and counted them, made a wish for each one. Took them, one at a time. Only 16 - it won't kill me. Not this time. I stopped at 16 because the computer was free - figured I'd see if anyone was online to say goodbye to.

No one around. Checked email.

"Maybe one day, you can take my ashes."

There's a Moby song, the chorus is simply 'we are all made of stars'. Another line: '...people they come together, and people they fall apart...' We are all made of stars. I don't know how else to say it. I really honestly don't. I'm crying now, crying and I can barely breathe, I don't know if it's happy or sad tears, maybe a bit of both. Stardust. Rain, here in Oregon, is referred to as Liquid Sunshine; from now on I'm calling tears 'Liquid Stars'.

People they come together...

I don't know how to put into words... anything, really. So worried. So very worried. Trying to get the fuck out of this life before it all collapses beneath me, before I see the end of it coming, before I drown in my tears. There's this movie, "Donnie Darko", it's really fucking amazing and you should watch it, all of you. Sin, you especially... although t'lesh, you need to see it too. Watched it tonight, watched it, and it was what made me decide that I'd had enough.

...people they fall apart...

I thought that it might be worth giving up. That it was... done. Gone. That there was nothing left, no hope, no chance, just one too many fuck-ups and me, sitting here lonely and cold and wondering what the fuck happened to the life I used to have. I thought that I deserved to die, waste of space, waste of breath, the usual self-hate... come on, sing along, kiddies, I know you all play this song in your head some days.

It was echoing loud in mine.

Logged on to say goodbye.

I feel like a kid now. Admittedly, rather a stupid kid... immature, perhaps, is a better word. Young. I had this email sitting in my box, just got there today, apparently. Hope.

...people they come together...

I don't know any better word in any language. Nothing else that means so much right now. Nothing else I could even possibly believe in.

Hope.

I have hope.

I'm going to beat this. I have to. I refuse to fail... I do NOT have to fail.

I can do this.

What, exactly, is this?

Live.

Survive.

Love.

Laugh.

Heal.

Help.

Care.

All of it and more. I can. I will. I feel like I watched a sunrise, or watched snow falling. Something pure. Beautiful. Something beyond my control, something I didn't do, didn't expect, didn't make happen... something precious, because it is there, right when it was needed most.

*curls up in a very small ball*

There's this series, about a detective named Anita Blake. I've been reading them - they're really good books - and although there's lots of characters I would LIKE to be, and lots of characters I admire, or desire, there's only one that I really sympathize with.

Only one that I... hm. 'Pity' and 'am' would both fit there. Sad, Jax, sad.

Nathaniel.

*shrugs* If you haven't read them, good. Don't ask, or go read them, and then still don't ask. Some days I could be the lupa's ghost, yes, some days I could be a vampire, a lamia, an incubus, or any of the people that wander through those pages.

But right now...

...right now, I would give everything I am and everything I have and everything I can for safety and shelter and comfort.

Hope.

The hope that tomorrow, it'll get better. The hope that it won't hurt like this forever... that it won't end yet either, that it will go on, and I will heal, and be happy.

Grr used to tell me I was afraid of happiness. She's right, I really wouldn't know what to do if I were truly happy at this point. I think I'd panic. Hell, I might not even recognize it. Happiness? Nope, sorry, haven't seen him, what's he look like?

*curls up tighter, a little ball of fur and claws and tears and eyes wide enough to swallow down a universe or three*

I'm still a bit worried, truly. I've had hope snatched away too many times to trust it completely. This too will pass, it always does...

...but this time...

...plese, gods, this time...

...just this once...

...let it be real?

I want to live. I want to believe. I want to trust.

Touch if you will my stomach
Feel how it trembles inside
You've got the butterflies all tied up
Don't make me chase you
Even doves have pride

I didn't know I could fall this far... or didn't believe it. A year ago I was confidant, compared to this. In pain at times, yes; certainly I could see this future coming at me, constant pain, fear, worry... I could see it. But I hoped I'd find some way to avoid it.

It's here now. Medical bills - apparently there really are some things OHP won't cover, not many thank the gods, but... yeah. Not happy about the whole surgery idea. Home expenses - I know what the finances are doing here. They aren't good, and getting worse. Addiction - if I can hold on until October I am guaranteed a place in the pain management/addiction treatment centers, with all the help a girl could want to kick the painkiller habit. Yes, that does assume I'm actually not in PAIN then, or at least that a cure is in sight... but by October I'll likely have HAD any surgery necessary.

It's hope.

I wish I'd seen it before I took the pills tonight, although admittedly the sixteen wishes were... somewhat ironic. Shall I list them?

1) No pain I didn't ask for or deserve.

2) Someplace I could (and would want to) call home for as long as I wanted.

3) To see Caleb again.

4) To see Kadin again.

5) To meet my friends I've not yet met.

6) Safety for me.

7) Safety for mine.

8) A chance to hear Alex' voice.

9) A leather corset.

10) A haircut.

11) Someone to hug me so tightly I couldn't get away for a while, holding me.

12) Someone who would let me hug them like that.

13) A mirror that showed what I see in people, not what normal mirrors showed them or what they think they see - I want those I love to see how beautiful they really are.

14) An email from Nick.

15) An email from Angel.

16) An email from Snowtygrrr.

*blinks softly* I got to sixteen and Deb got off the computer... I hopped online.

Hope, and a wish come true. Maybe, just maybe, I won't end up back in Manzanita, stuck going to a church I don't believe in and acting like someone I'm not. Maybe, just maybe, I'll get a chance at turning myself around.

Maybe this...

...maybe it's enough.

I don't like trusting in coincidence, I don't like hoping, I don't like believing in other people - it tends to work out badly - but... gods, please please please...

...one last wish...

...let it be real.

Let him be real.

...we are all made of stars...

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