I miss him.

I am really freakin' depressed right now.

I... gods.

I am tempted to explain why.

Do I really want to explain this? Is it twisted enough to be worth talking about but NOT so twisted that I can't bear to speak of it?

Dunno. No idea. Don't ask me.

But I will explain this. A couple people keep wondering. *shrugs* A couple people already know. Why not put it in black and white?

I've got a week before it goes away... just a week... and there is a REASON I intend to be drugged when the week ends.

A couple days ago I called up the OBGYN to schedule a checkup... my period was missing and that worried me because I'd been in to see the doctor on the first of January and he'd said I wasn't pregnant, and of course all through november and december they told me I was not pregnant and were pumping me full of vicodin, which they can't even GIVE you if you are pregnant. With me so far?

Ok. The OBGYN looked at my medical charts... they do indeed say I'm not pregnant. And she called up the records of my pregnancy tests...

...positive.

POSITIVE.

That means Jax is pregnant. According to the rush ultrasound they did, I have been pregnant for three months.

Which means all of that vicodin... yeah. It mutates fetuses, you know. Bad for babies. And in the time I was pregnant, I took easily what, a hundred, two hundred, tablets? Yeah.

I came in on the first with unexplained side and back pain, severe nausia... they gave me more medication. Told me I wasn't pregnant. If it had been a tubal pregnancy, which all the signs pointed to, I would be DEAD now. It wasn't tubal, thank the gods, the pain was just from some small kidney stones... but yeah. Life-threatening malpractice on the part of at least one doctor.

NOT good.

So I go in to get an abortion in a week. I have no choice. The baby is effectively already destroyed... its heartbeat is too slow, it's not moving right, but otherwise it seems healthy at the moment, yes. They told me there's no way it will stay that way. I couldn't have this child even if I wanted it.

So I have to go in and let them tear it out.

And they're gonna dialate me... the last time they did that it hurt so bad I couldn't even walk. And THIS time they are doing it a few hours before I have to go teach class.

The actual abortion is on a Thursday... which means that Friday's class is also gonna SUCK.

I am hoping we can find a way to get Tammy up here for wednesday/thursday/friday, so she can help with class and keep Deb distracted.

I am hoping I can find a ride there-and-back on Wednesday and Thursday, since both days there is NO way I will be able to drive myself home.

I am hoping this isn't enough to push me over the edge. It nearly was, the morning I found out... realizing that I was NOT alone, entirely... and then realizing what I was going to have to do about it, that it was already destroyed... *shivers*

I am really not a happy Jax.

I am REALLY not a sane-and-content Jax.

And I very carefully haven't talked about it, until now. But I know that two people in particular won't be reading my diary until much after-the-fact, and they are the two I know would worry about me to the point where it would actually affect their life and health... so... yeah.

I have to get this out.

I want it written down.

And dammit, if I do give in... someone please, please, PLEASE sue that damned doctor.