Alex - Dashwood - Dai
Previous - this entry written on October 07, 2002 at 5:27 am - Next


Why is it that even now, I get incredibly nervous over things that should be perfectly rational and normal and fine?

All of two minutes' conversation with Alex and already I'm tongue-tied and feeling like a teenager with a crush who suddenly gets to speak with his idol, talk to him, MEET him... breathless, stunned, shocked, not even believing this is real.

Meeting him.

Part of me wondering, still, if it's all just words for him... if maybe he's having second thoughts, third thoughts... deciding that there's no real reason to meet. That he'd rather KEEP it just words.

Part of me afraid that I won't be what he expects... or that I won't be what he wants.

Part of me a bit nervous that maybe he won't be what ~I~ expect.

I know I love the Alex I fell for so long ago, the one who entered my world as a figment of his imagination and mine, laying claim to poor unsuspecting Dehan on Furcadia... I know I love the Alex who has shared my grief and joy, listening to me talk of Angel and Al X, Caleb and Kadin and Tammuz... I know I love the Alex who in turn loved me, mel and fem both in his eyes, he accepted my own sometimes-dislike for the female body I find myself trapped in, the male voice lurking in the back of my mind and sometimes becoming me... I know I love the Alex who left me dizzy and breathless, amazed by the beauty found in his words, stunned by the care he showed for me... the one who named an ice cream flavor for me, who told me of his Maestro and their life, who explained Armand, who... gods... the Alex who has been my sun and moon, some days... who ranks with my boys, in my heart.

Alex. Dai. Dashwood. -D-. Oxford boy.

Him.

*wry grin* It's been over a year since we first met.

A year full of memories, enough that many of them are already slipping through my fingers, flowing away, sweet liquid fragments of a life I wouldn't trade away for anything or anyone, not ever... too much good in it to give it up.

Yes, I miss Caleb desperately. Yes, I would kill to have Kadin asleep in the cage beside my bed tonight. Yes, I am anxious beyond words to wrap my arms around Torian. Yes, I'll fall asleep wondering how Rhett is doing today. Yes, I'll miss Daris' voice, and Nick's taste. Yes.

But right this second, my mind is entirely on a figure dressed in a snazzy long nice-cut coat, wandering down an English street... remembering how it felt to actually read those three words on the screen.

I haven't seen a picture of him. I haven't heard his voice.

I have a hard time believing he's real, sometimes.

And still, I am...

...I am looking forward to meeting him, no matter how it goes, no matter what he thinks of me, no matter what happens. I do love him.

And that alone makes the meeting worth while, worth working for.

He matters to me.

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