Seriously. Take a look at my past record, at what I've been... karma's a bitch, isn't she?

No, I'm not saying I deserve to suffer... *eyes her newly-scarring leftovers from a couple nights ago* ...been through that phase, it's not completely gone but this isn't about that.

What I'm saying here, and I think that at least some of you will back me up on this, is that in the last, oh, five years, I've been slowly and steadily working my way into what is now one hell of a fucked-up hole. And it's a hole I walked into - hell, it's a hole I sat there and dug, then jumped into. I don't think I like it in this particular hole... it's familiar, all the dirt and darkness that I've slowly gotten used to as I go deeper. It's almost comforting, in the same way a headache can be comforting (if you don't understand this reference, be thankful, and leave it alone).

But it's still a hole. It's not a good place to be. It's someplace that does not make me a better person, that does not help me grow and change in positive ways, that does not benefit those around me and only benefits me in some rather petty, selfish ways.

I'm NOT saying everything in my life is part of this hole. Goddess, no! There are some truly wonderful parts to my life, most of them involving amazing people, good books, an insane cat, and the knowledge that there will always be instant oatmeal with raisins in it somewhere in the world. But there ARE a lot of things that need to change, things that are holding me down here.

I need to listen. I got this lectured in my general direction yesterday and although I know it would surprise the fuck out of the lecturer, I actually WAS listening. And intend to keep doing so. *wry grin* No, I won't get it perfect immediately. But I will try my best, and not give up.

I need to re-evaluate the tangle that is sex, love, lust, friendship, etc. in my head. Where do I stand on all of these... and more importantly, WHY? Am I making choices that are harmful purely because I can't get over something? Err... yes. A lot of yes. And I've known this for years and years... but never done anything about it.

Or rather, the things I did to get me past it are now the things I need to get past, if that makes any sense.

A quote from the lecture, regarding me-as-I've-been and me-as-I-am: ...You are by far the best kisser I've ever had the pleasure of doing so...You're a damn good lay...and you have the ability to make someone feel incredible about themselves...but you are likened to Cocaine... ...an incredible high, an incredible low and very addictive...but no where near good for us in ANY way whatsoever...

*wry grin* Thus the ego trip... and the lack thereof at the same time. I've always kind of prided myself on the fact that people - men in particular - often consider me addictive. It's not that I'm gorgeous, it's not that I'm pleasant and cheerful, it's not that I am perky or intelligent or perfect in any way. It's that... well, for lack of a better term, when I appreciate someone, I let them know, in ways that most people, particularly most women, wouldn't bother with or even consider. I am in awe of most of my friends, all of my lovers, and a handful of my casual acquaintances... and I show it. I suppose I COULD help it, if I really wanted to... but why would I want to? These people are amazing, they make my days worth experiencing, they make my nights pleasurable, they are WORTH appreciating. And so I do.

And there's not a human on the planet who doesn't, at least occasionally, enjoy being appreciated.

Mix in that appreciation with sex and sensuality, a healthy sense of the absurd, enough kink to make it seem exotic... add a dose of friendship, a hint of something dark and evil, and lots of snuggles... then top it off with the fact that where most women will complain that they aren't understood, I'll TELL you what's going on in my head, what I want, what I'm feeling... yeah. *shrugs*

I don't like where I am, like I said. I don't like some of the choices I've made. I don't like much of how I present myself right now; I've kind of gone to seed, emotionally and physically both. However, somehow, I still like myself. I like who I am. I like a lot of the things that make me unique, even some of the not-so-good ones... I like myself. Not as much as I like others, in many ways... but...

...I had a hellish childhood. I had some pretty shitty teen years. Even the years after that had some bumps. Would I change any of it?

No.

I am the final product of all those years, all those problems, all those hurts. I wouldn't be me, if I hadn't had to deal with it all, to grow, to experience it and find some way to survive. It is BECAUSE I like myself that I wouldn't change my past.

Get revenge for some of it? OH HELL YEAH. Michael, if I ever meet you again, I'm going to hurt you so bad that your next ten lifetimes you come back as a bruise. *grins*

But although I want to change how I behave and some of how I react to life and to those around me, I do not want to change who I AM.

And for the benefit of someone who I had a conversation with about something kind of like this: Yes. I DO believe it's possible to change behavior and reactions without changing the 'essence', if you will, of the person. It's like dying your hair... or learning to say 'thank you' when your grandparents give you presents... or going to England and teaching yourself to drive on the OTHER side of the street... behavior changes, reaction changes, do not have to change your soul.

*grins wryly... gets down off her soapbox and dismantles it, stashing it in a corner until she needs it again*

I'm going to do something that I don't do very often without permission, but I think this needs to be posted, if only to make SURE that I keep seeing it:

Remote Scott! says:
...Now...the three things that I think of you...from when we were together:
1) I love that girl...she's so thoughtful...
2) My gods, more sex?
3) She is beautiful whether she believes it or not...

Remote Scott! says:
...same question now...
1) Jax, you're becoming so disappointing...
2) how can you do this to yourself...?
3) My gods, more people?

Remote Scott! says:
Notice a difference?

*sighs* I do notice the difference. I've been waking up for a while... the last week was the alarm going off. It takes me a while to get out of bed, but eventually I'm up. (Don't you just love metaphors?)

Anyway, it's late (nearly 5:30 as I'm writing this last bit) and I need to finish up emails and reading journals and then maybe get a shower. At 10:00 I'm headed out to the corner of Powell and 181st - gonna meet Spike, who will be bringing me gear and books, finally. *shrugs* At least, that's what he's said. Apparently, when I talked about what time to meet earlier today, MSN ate the posts... so he went to bed, thinking that I hadn't settled anything and so it was ok to sleep. ARGH.

So I'm saving conversation logs again, not to my remembering-things-folder, but to a subfolder, so if this happens again I can reassure myself that at least I did type it and didn't just dream it.

Oxycodone rush... and I'm outa here!