I didn't get my coloniscopy done. Why, you ask, why wouldn't you do something so important?

Simple. OHP ain't covering it.

Yes, they were supposed to. Yes, I'd been assured and reassured by several of the OHP and OMAP staff members that everything was fine, that it was covered. And I go in... and get told by the receptionist, and by Kaiser membership services, that NO, it's not fine, it's not covered, to go talk to my caseworker.

Which I do not have. OHP has changed their setup, I have no caseworker and no case and only a phone number that keeps putting me on hold for hours at a time, and ARGH! I'm going half-mad here.

Thank the gods for the hope Snow's held out - I'm pretty much clinging to that, this week. It's the only spark of light in what is shaping up to be a VERY hellish few days.

I went in nearly OD'd on painmeds and tranks that they gave me, and for nothing, so the medication is gone, and I am dead tired now, and twitchy from the instant-addiction to the tranquilizers - they've had me on and off them so much that it only takes a dose or two for me to get hit with withdrawals. Argh again.

Caleb's back in California, alive and well, and Kadin is doing about as well as can be expected in Canada. Torian... I'm a bit worried about him, but really the ball's in his court now. I'm doing what I can to find a way to meet, or to at least get him some help, but unless he can either get to a good therapist/psychiatrist or find himself some work, there's not much I can do in the immediate future.

And I'm currently more than a little worried about an old friend from Furcadia who isn't doing so well. Nreshan and I go back quite a ways; he belonged to Aletose, one of my Furc alts, and the boy himself is damned tempting prey. I've tried to keep track of him but with my own life falling apart every other week and him rarely online... yeah. A bit tricky.

But from what I've heard, he's really not doing too well. Some of it's his own fault, certainly, and I've no sympathy for him in those areas... but the rest? The boy doesn't even know what he wants half the time, and the other half the time, he doesn't have the first clue how to get it. He'd make someone a wonderful First Slave, he would, but he's neither the patience nor the knowledge to go find himself a position as such. He still thinks of himself in vanilla terms.

Except for a streak of masochism a mile wide, he seems... almost normal. But there's so much potential there it's almost blinding; every time I speak with him I see it all over again and damn, it's frustrating. It's like... like... hrm. It's like taking a gourmet to a five-star restaraunt, showing her every fancy dish on the menu... then leaving again without even tasting them.

Damned tempting indeed.

I'm also a bit worried about Dashwood - but then, that's not new. I worry every time I don't hear from him. However, I know he's got at least one good and reasonably-worldly friend he can go to for help in an emergency and I trust him to keep his head above water. Most of the time, anyway.

Yeah, I'm in overprotective mode. I get that way when... do I really want to go into this? Here? Now?

Yes.

I get that way when I loose someone I care about, when I pass up or fumble a chance to take care of someone, when one of mine is suffering. The more I worry, the more I worry, you see? It's a vicious circle.

And with Spike out of the picture, Caleb gone back to California, Kadin barely able to keep in touch, Daris moving to Texas, Torian trapped in another country and possibly going to loose internet access, Hida doing pretty badly as well, Nreshan's troubles, Alex's latest worries, Rhett's lack of Somewhere To Go...

...yeah.

Someone recently asked me what he could do to help.

Here's what I want: I want one good, solid hour spent talking with each one of the people I care about/worry about. I want to be able to do one thing to help or cheer each of them, even if it's just something small. And then I want to go somewhere where ~I~ can be small and helpless for a while, where I don't have to worry.

I want to be able to STOP worrying about those who are Mine, just for a day. That's all.

That would be enough to keep me going for months more.

That's what I am wishing for. An hour and something to bring a smile, per boy. It's a big wish, I know. Not an easy one to fulfill - it takes time and money and effort.

It's my new goal. An hour and a smile, each.

I'm gonna go check email... maybe something in there will cheer me up and make me feel a bit better about life. I certainly hope so. Right now... gah, but I'm depressed.

And worried.