Caleb's working - he got home after sushi-stuff and headed to work, I took off with Kenji to go with him on some errands, then back to his place for anime, goth-pictures, and some long conversations that I'm not going to put up here. Could, technically, but... ehh. They were complicated and involved too many people.

On the way home I was reminded of why Kenji so very kicks ass - he was making some comment regarding not being attracted to me. Now as ANY woman (and most men) will tell you, attempting to make such a comment without insulting me, lying, or belittling himself, is basically like walking through a minefield. Very dangerous.

He managed it... careful choice of words such as "Not attracted to you in the romantic sense" and not-so-subtle allusions to quite a few emotions and 'flavors'... yeah. He balanced it nicely. Kudos for him. *grins*

That said... there are other things on my mind. An email. Two journal entries. The frustration and anger and disappointment that is clinging long enough to make me aware that it's not just going to disappear. *sighs softly* I know all the reasons, all the rationalizations, and I also know that this HURTS. Still, solid pain, the sort that makes me doubt the wisdom of... quite a few things, and we'll leave it at that.

I have a lot to say tonight.

I don't know how much of it will come out here, now. I do know I'll keep trying.

I'm sorry... I'm so sorry...

I know you are. Would you have been sorry if this hadn't so obviously angered me? Would you have even NOTICED your mistake if I hadn't been infuriated? Do you realize that it IS a mistake, an error, a problem?

*sighs softly*

This is very definitely about what I'm feeling, this entry and this response to the email, yes. But it's also about YOUR response, YOUR feelings. I want to know that I'm not wasting my breath here, that you are honestly aware of why this cut so deeply and why I don't want it happening again, not like this.

Please tell me what I can do to fix this... please... I'm begging you... please...

To fix this. *blinks* In the course of 45 hours you can find a way to convince me that you are sorry and that you are sorry for the right things. You can find a way to earn back my trust and my respect. You can find a way to make me proud of you instead of angry with you.

...I know this is not enough, I know it's not much of a begging, but I have no idea what else to do... or how...

Y'know that stupid bit about the thousand-mile journey beginning with one step? Congratulations, you took that step. Asking. Begging. It doesn't have to be fancy, it doesn't have to be intricate, it just has to be honest and heartfelt and at least spelled right. *wry grin*

You know what catches my attention, arlen... you know what catches my eye, what makes me curious and hungry and eager. Here's a GOOD suggestion for the next step: make me want you back. Remind me just why it is I miss you, why it is I should forgive you and keep you around.

No.

Love is NOT an acceptable reason.

...please...

"It was the please, I think, that did it." Sorry, a Princess Bride moment. But it's a simple fact that 'please' affects me. Do you want to know why? Ehh, my journal, you're just gonna have to sit through the explanation if you keep reading. *amused*

'Please' affects me so strongly because it says so much with just that one word... it expresses need and desire for something. It shows that the person saying it is aware that whatever they want, they won't get it without help or permission. It displays humility. And damned if it doesn't just sound pretty (although tis'tai is better in my book).

You wanted to know what might help?

A few useful words, in English this time: placate, amuse, supplication, submission, repent. Come now, must I spell everything out? Because, sadly, I will... I don't like feeling my stomach clench like this, I don't like the little warning prick in the back of my thoughts when I think of you right now, I don't like hearing her constant reminders to keep my distance, that this is yet another reason to deny my trust, to forget my affection, and to try once again to rebuild my walls.

You said please. And now I'm saying it.

Please don't disappoint me. Please don't let yourself be sent away. I need you to learn, I need you, period.

*sighs*