I'm missing people tonight. Not my usual long list of suspects, oh no. Tonight the list is shorter and I am hungry. Yes, too much Akasha. We know how that goes... I want. I need. I crave. Ahh, but this song is one that's been played a lot, no need to drag out the record for this crowd, neh? No, just read. You'll know who I miss... you'll know because they are the ones that match this, that would give me this, that would understand how much it means to me. Not that long list. Just a precious few. Amazing. Frustrating. Pleasing. Talented. Wanted. Gods... I miss, I crave... but yeah, still trying not to do that. Bad Jax. *sighs softly*

This is one of those nights. THOSE nights. If you get a chance, go download something loud and violent and harsh, or something pretty and hungry and bloodthirsty. Listen to it. And maybe think a minute or two about what it is YOU want. I'd like to know, you see. I know so well, what it is I want right now. I keep hoping if I distract myself enough with others, I won't think about it so much.

It's not working yet.

Here. Go. Read. And if you get a chance say hello to the lonely one and my obsession, if you see them around.

---

Gotta scream. That's all that is left in me, the original Primal Scream, it's lurking here just behind my lips and I don't dare let it out. Bite my tongue. Press my mouth closed. Don't dare make a sound, not yet, it's too soon to let out that noise and let her see how close she's coming to destroying me. It's not close enough for her yet. I don't dare make a sound yet or she'll only get worse...

Fifty... fifty what? Five? Six? I've lost count again. Each blow hurts more than the last, where the hell is she finding all that strength? It feels like she's pulling it from me. Leather on my skin turns to fire and gods, it hurts, it hurts, can't she see what she's doing to me? Doesn't she care? I don't think she's ever hit this hard before, will she ever stop or is this going to go on? I can't take it, I can't...

Please, not that, don't take away my voice, I promise I won't scream again, I won't make a sound, I'm silent now. Shake my head. Quickly, sometimes she seems to read my thoughts I swear it but now she won't even look at my eyes, she's angry, the only time she looks away is when she's angry. How can I convince her not to put in that gag? If she takes away my voice, I have so little left, no chance to beg her to stop, she listens to begging sometimes...

Mouth full. My jaw aches. Funny that in the middle of this all I can focus on that, the way the leather tastes in my mouth, the shape that fills me, violating, she knows I hate this one and it's in so deep, the straps so tight. She locked it. Daya, she locked away my voice, and the blindfold, and my hands locked apart, I am helpless. Helpless. Why doesn't it feel good? So frightened...

Another blow. I think she's near my shoulders now, I can't tell for sure, I wish she would speak, please, just a few words, something to let me know I'm not alone, that she is still here. The pain is something. Comforting. It shouldn't comfort me to burn and ache and sting and cry, my tears are soaking the pillow, I can feel them on my cheeks. Surely she can see them. I hope they make her smile. I don't have anything else to give, I hope my tears are enough...

Silence, no words, no blows, I can't stop my hips from rocking up, thrusting back, I know she'd call me a slut but it's not sex, it's not about that, I just need to feel something. I haven't heard her in minutes. Or hours. I can't tell, I can't tell, I don't know what time it is or where she is, she went silent and there is no touch, no new pain, nothing. Did she leave? She wouldn't leave me like this...

So wrong... it is about sex, I can feel myself getting hard, does she see this? More tears, memories, I remember the way it felt to be used and I hated it then and I hate it now and I would give anything to have her using me right now, just to feel her again, to know that she's proud of me, or even that she has some use for me, that she wants me...

...she's still silent. Was it something I did? Something I forgot to do? Please, Daya, I can't move my legs, my ankles, the cuffs felt so good when she put them on and now they are still comforting in a way but I wish I could move more than this. Wrists. Hands. No, can't pull free, tried that over and over when she was beating me, PLEASE more, just so there is something, someone, there...

Hands. She's taking off the gag. Mouth dry now, I can't speak, I don't think I am brave enough even if my tongue and throat would work. What does she want to hear? She ungagged me, there must be a reason, she likes to hear me talk and nothing is coming out, I'm trying, nothing but squeaks and whimpers, I can't seem to stop whimpering, it's fear I think, frightened, where IS she? Why hasn't she said anything yet? I have to find words...

No, wait, please, I'm sorry, I don't know what I said wrong but please don't, don't take this away, I'll do whatever you want, you know I will, I want to please you, I want to make you happy, please don't take away my voice again...

Reprieve, the gag pulled back again, I have to think. Begging. I can do that. For what? What do I want? Her. Need? Her. Why? Gods... even pain, if it's her. I'm frightened, I'm terrified, I know she's the only one who will save me from this, even if someone else took off the gag, pulled away the blindfold, released the chains, I wouldn't move. Wouldn't open my eyes. Wouldn't speak. She bound me. Please, take away the bonds and let me be near you, or if it pleases more, then hurt me, use me, anything but please don't leave me here alone, I feel as if I am already dead, without you, I exist for you...

Silence again. Nothing...

...something. Drop of something. Water? Warm, on my shoulder. Another. Tears, I know those, those are tears and she is crying? Why? Please, don't cry, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry, don't cry...

I can feel her fingers. I never thought such casual contact could mean so much. Fingers around my wrists, brushing away the ache from the cuffs. Fingers around my ankles, chasing away the hurt. Fingers around my throat, she pulls me close, I can hear her breathing and she is still crying somehow, but the kiss she gave, she was smiling, I could feel it in her lips, is it all ok now? The blindfold is lifted off and my eyes find hers, asking, pleading. Please, let it be ok, don't let me go, don't throw me away, please...

Arms around me, her body pressed close to mine. Warmth, almost a fire where the whip had landed, comforting heat everywhere, I am engulfed in her flames and all I can do is press my face against her shoulder and sob, relief, I know I did something right because she said so, she is still saying so, over and over, I pleased her, she called me beautiful. I took more than I thought I could. I took more than she thought I could. I did well. I pleased her. I...

I am hers. I would give anything, just to see her smiling like that, to see her tears, she only cries like that when she sees my pain and I know it pleases her, she says it is the only rest she ever finds, the only shelter from the world's storms. She took my tears and I take hers, kissing them away as she kisses mine, sharing, mingling, communion and love and I know once again that I am hers.