Anyway, Friday afternoon, late Friday afternoon, I'll have a brand new bottle... but for now, there's four little white pills in the bottom of the only bottle I have now.

And dammit, there's still those missing ten.

Those are gonna drive me mad for WEEKS... hell, months! Gah. But that's not what I wanted to write about. First, I wanted to tell you all that there is a movie playing at this ungodly hour whose little preview blurb states: "A breakdancer with ESP is posessed by an evil Ninja". I wanted to share this because it REALLY bothers me, and now all of you are bothered too, so there. No, I don't remember the name of the flick... but it's playing in the next room, where I can hear the fight scenes and the bad music. *grin*

Next, I wanted to tell you (as if you, oh eager readers, truly need to know) that Kitten is doing well... 3:something AM, July 4... the rest of America will be celebrating their independance, their freedom... and my boy will come here, he'll be at my feet that night, lighting sparklers and watching the pretty explosions, celebrating his freedom in a sense... but also celebrating his loss of it, his collar, his ownership... and, I hope, his love.

Yeah, I'm getting more and more nervous. What if he doesn't like me? What if he hates Oregon? What if somehow he and Caleb or he and Grr don't get along? What if Cal's family hates him, or Grr's boys? What then?

*shrug* I don't know. There isn't a contingency plan, not really, other than for him to go back... and I don't think that's likely to happen. One way or another, his life is here... not in some backwater, shitty little town whose website lists a bowling alley as one of their main attractions. He belongs here, where people are, where life is... he belongs in the city that not only sleeps, but has rip-roaring, technicolor nightmares and parades them about happily, BDSM garb, painted faces, and all. He belongs with me.

What else was I going to bitch about? I know there was something... other than a rave review for two games I'm addicted to.

The first is a game for the original playstation, called Thousand Arms and published by Atlas. I've been combing the web for a link to give ya, but all I can give at this point is a recommendation that you try one of those little gamers' shops - if they've heard of it, they'll rave. If they haven't heard of it, tell them they suck and go find a better little gamers' shop. Incidentally, another company called Atlas Games puts out a great card game, "Lunch Money". But back to Thousand Arms...

In this game you play a Spirit Blacksmith named Mais (pronounced 'mice' - yes, it makes the voice-overs VERY strange, IE 'Come on, mice, we need your help!'). Mais is a womanizing, slimy little wretch... and it's your job to help him better himself and make a truly good sword, save the world, revenge his family, find his father, and get laid. *grin* Think of it as Final Fantasy meets all those really bad Japanese dating games... it's GREAT!

The OTHER game that I'm hooked on is Dungeonkeeper... it's a Sim game, you control a dungeon, with worker imps, and all sorts of other creatures... you eventually get different creatures as the game progresses, everything from Dark Mistresses who only join your forces if you build torture chambers and torture them regularly, to beetles and spiders, to weird imps, gnomes, hell-hounds, dragons, etc. The goal, always, is to take over some sweet little place... or to destroy an enemy's dungeon because said enemy is doing horrible things like planting flowers, etc. This is to date one of my favorite time-wasters EVER, and I strongly suggest you check it out. It's designed for the PC, put out by (I think) Bullfrog... hm. I'll go check.

*wanders off to Google for a moment*

Coolness! I just found out there's a Dungeonkeeper TWO. I am so thrilled... I need this game. Not that it'll run on the piece of crap I use at the moment, but I need it anyway. Someday I will find a computer to play it on. *insane grin*

Anyway, check out Dungeonkeeper II here and you'll get a pretty decent idea of what the first one was like in the process.

Oh, and it IS Bullfrog. I feel smug.

Hmm... I seem to have misplaced my train of thought... while I'm looking for it, have a poem. I'm not saying this is a GOOD poem, just that... well, I was remembering old times again. I've done a lot of that, recently.

~~~ Empty Field ~~~
and you told me that you loved me
you swore that now,
this time,
it would be right and true and forever
you spoke of eternity
same breath,
same sentence
spoke of lust and death
and you told me that you needed me
promised that without me
you would die
drift away
I believed your rosebud and sterling tongue
all flowers
poetry
I believed every word
and you told me that you'd changed...

...so why does my body still feel barren
why does your touch
leave me in tears
why do I only smile
when you're gone?

~~~

I never said it was good. I also never said it was cheerful... save cheerful for when the dentist is done with me, my stomach is settled, and the mutant in my belly is gone... oh, I didn't share that bit of news, did I?

This coming Wednesday - no, not today (or yesterday, or the day before, if you're reading this late). NEXT Wednesday, the 23rd... I go in for my pre-appointment. The day after that, Thursday, I go in for the actual 'procedure'.

I have an adopted daughter living elsewhere... I gave birth to her, carried her for nine months, and handed her over after all that to a family that could take care of her when I couldn't, who could love her more than I could, treat her better and watch her grow... and I swear to god, I would rather have my intestines ripped out with fishhooks dangled down through my mouth than go through that again. It was the necessary choice, maybe even the right one... and it is one I will NEVER, EVER choose again. Nothing should tear you up inside that much.

Abortion, though... in this case, they are telling me again that it would be dangerous to me to try to let it live... and that with the drugs I've taken and the medicines they've pumped into me, plus my medical history, I'll be lucky if I could carry it four months before it came out on its own.

Yeah.

Cheerful.

Such a pretty, appetizing picture... so that, migranes, jaw pain, side pain, stomach pain, pelvic pain, back pain, neck pain... I hurt.

I'm bitching, I know there are people who have it worse than me, I'm not saying they don't exist, I'm just saying I haven't met 'em, and dammit, this is bad enough. I don't WANT it to get worse.

I just want a normal life... well, not normal, no. That would be boring. But maybe, please, a healthy one? At least for a few years?

That's all I'm asking... a couple GOOD years, now, while I'm young enough to enjoy them and old enough to be grateful for them... please?