She wore black and he wore white...
Previous - this entry written on April 30, 2004 at 4:07 pm - Next

Goddammit, Scott, you've got it stuck in my head again. Meh.

...bang bang, he shot me down...

Daemon-Sha: *updates, curling at Your feet*
lady_jax_raven: *strokes your hair gently, reading*
Daemon-Sha: *nuzzles at Your hand sleepily*
lady_jax_raven: *tilts her head when she finishes, flicking your nose lightly with one finger* I'm curious, pet... why the kindness?
Daemon-Sha: Because, Mistress, after being used so hard, experiencing that kind of pain, that level of pain...and showing that amount of submission...this boy would hope to be shown kindness as well.
lady_jax_raven: *smiles at that, not a trace of warmth in the expression* That's what I was afraid of.
Daemon-Sha: *shivers*
Daemon-Sha: This...this boy apologizes, Mistress, if it is displeasing to You. He begs You to correct him, to show him where and why his sentiments are incorrect, that he might know better.
lady_jax_raven: *leans back, no longer touching you at all* Kneel up, love.
Daemon-Sha: *Rises obediently, tensing, halfway expecting to be hit once he finishes obeying the order*
lady_jax_raven: *she leans forward abruptly, not to strike but to hold, one hand catching your collar, the other curling beneath your chin, lifting your head slightly* Kadin, there is a considerable difference between the submission an obedient, well-trained, pleasing and reasonably-content slave such as yourself gives...
lady_jax_raven: *the hand on the collar clenches slightly, the barest hint of a threat* ...and the frantic, near-mindless submission of a slave who is beginning to break.
Daemon-Sha: This....this boy would not want to break the other, Mistress, if he did not have to.
lady_jax_raven: *again she smiles, no more warmth in the expression now than there was a moment ago* I'm not sure that you CAN break him, pet... but there are quite a few reasons I want to see the attempt. If I'd wanted kindness and care, I'd have given you a puppy.
Daemon-Sha: *Swallows* This boy will remember, Mistress.

...bang bang, I hit the ground...

One word at a time, drawn out of him, drawn with just as much effort out of me, surprisingly. It is comparatively simple to order him to write, to update, to post something that I'm not immediately involved in. It's not quite as hard for me to spin out this particular tale as it is for him, but it's not easy for me. Why?

The 'why' is going to get explained at the end of this.

...seasons came and changed the time, when I grew up I called him mine...

lady_jax_raven: *a single nod... and the world shifts, leaving you once more in the bedroom, a boy in a cage waiting for you to use the chains he holds out*
Daemon-Sha: *Shivers, looking down at Radu, lost, afraid..but taking control of himself after only a short moment. Knowing he is here for a reason. Knowing why.* Head down, Radu. I don't want you to look at me.
lady_jax_raven: *he seems confused, having only heard this from you once when you were beating him, but with the slightest of shrugs he cooperates, crouching on all fours, his head lowered obediently*
Daemon-Sha: Out of the cage. Outside of it. Lean over it. I'm going to beat you tonight, Radu. Raise your head, even once, and the next strike is for your eyes. Whether I have in my hand chains, a belt, or a knife. *His voice is cold, distant.*
lady_jax_raven: *it takes visible effort for him to keep his head down as the words leave your mouth, hands clenching, white-knuckled, on the frame of the cage as he slides out and rises... as he moves enough of his face remains visible for you to see that his eyes are squinched tightly shut, his expression shifting too rapidly to be caught as he turns away and drapes himself over the cage, hands apart and clearly waiting to be bound*
Daemon-Sha: *Drapes one chain over the boy's collar, letting the two ends hang into the cage. He places Radu's hands farther apart, then repeats with two more chains, again leaving the ends dangling loose into the cage.* Stay, Radu. *Kadin runs a finger down the line of his back, along the fading mark of the last time he cut the boy*
lady_jax_raven: *he shudders, pressing closer to the cage, shoulders tensing visibly and a single word spit out through clenched teeth, his tone one of confusion and what could be frustration or fear* ...why?
Daemon-Sha: Because you've had time to recover, boy. *the double-slap of the thin leather belt rings across the small of Radu's back, no warning, no smaller or lighter blows to prepare him.* Because you've had comfort. *Another blow, even harder, crossing the first.* And because there is only one person in all the world who has the right to grant you kindness. And She is not here. *Kadin holds his arm out to the side, witholding the next blow, awaiting the boy's reaction*
lady_jax_raven: *a flinch is his response to the first blow, having half-expected it... the second blow draws out a faint gasp and a shifting of his legs as he braces himself better, careful not to so much as rattle the three chains as he does so... when the third blow doesn't follow imediately he arches his back slightly, almost encouraging you to strike*
Daemon-Sha: *Lowers the blow when Radu arches his back, the next blow landing not on his back but across his ass, the hardest so far*
lady_jax_raven: *yowls... and even as his mouth opens his head cocks slightly, listening for the responses he doesn't quite dare look for*
Daemon-Sha: *His free hand is around Radu's throat the moment his head so much as twitches* Head....still. *There is no emotion in his voice, his orders barked as though to an unlearning animal*
lady_jax_raven: *...and soundlessly, emotionlessly, he freezes in place, his only other reaction a quickening of his breath, unnerved*
Daemon-Sha: Speak, Radu. For the moment, at least. I want to hear your voice. *He pauses again waiting. The moment Radu makes so much as a whimper, he is interrupted by another blow, this one cutting viciously across his hamstrings*
lady_jax_raven: *the quiet word which had been about to leave his mouth is replaced by a short, sharp yelp of pain and what, from the tone, is a curse word or five... his position, head turned down and away from you, serves to muffle his speech enough to make the actual words unintelligible*
Daemon-Sha: *Strikes again, this one across his arm, then one across his shoulders, now biting into his sides...timing each blow to interrupt him each time he attempts to talk* Speech, Radu, not whimpers, not yelps. *His voice, again, is nearly flat, but a tone of anger, as if he was speaking down, now, to a disobedient child*
lady_jax_raven: *the boy struggles to gain control of his tongue, several blows landing before he can manage to force out one word completely... but that one word is followed by others, each near-screamed, the force of his exhalation, his effort, carrying them past his lips even as the belt lands* Linta... linta arlen, haila... no... kquen... no better!
Daemon-Sha: *Pauses, eyes burning a hole into the boy's back.* Two things wrong with that, boy. You do not address me as "linta." More importantly. *strike* I *Strike* Do not *stike* Own *Strike* you.
lady_jax_raven: *something disturbingly close to a snicker works its way out after your last words, his voice already rasping with the effort required to concentrate on speech through the pain, the words spilling out quickly, a flood of speech* You ARE owned, innocent, stupid, not my better.
Daemon-Sha: I am better than you for one reason, Radu. Because I am owned. Because I am proud to be owned. Speak. *The end of the belt trails across the base of his neck, threatening quietly*
lady_jax_raven: *he shivers, nearly cringing away from the leather, stopping himself before more than a quiver betrays the urge, resting his head for a moment on the cage bars as he speaks, quieter now, the strength and disdain he'd poured into his words a moment ago gone, leaving them dry, emotionless* 'm owned. Would I be stuck in this hell if I wasn't?
Daemon-Sha: If you accepted it, Radu? If you -truly- accepted it? Probably not. But you've failed at that. Once. Twice. You refuse to truly submit. What does that make you? *Unexpectedly, again with no warning, the sharp edge of the knife comes back into play, drawing a sharp line of blood across Radu's side*
lady_jax_raven: *he gasps, clutching at the cage, already speaking as the blade pulls away* Someday you'll find out how much that hurts... desperate, that's what it makes me.
Daemon-Sha: *Reaches his left hand in through the open door of the cage, taking casual hold of the two dangling ends of hte chain around Radu's neck, looping the rings on the ends over his thumb* Then struggle, if you are so desperate to escape. Or hold still, if you actually want your hell to end.
lady_jax_raven: *laughter, cracking slightly, sharp, his fingers still curled in around the bars, not moving away, not raising his head* Escape? There's n..never any escape. Go ahead... it won't end. You s..said it yourself. She's not here.
Daemon-Sha: *Quietly snaps locks on to all three of the dangling chains and leaves for the door.* You are right, Radu. She is not here. If you continue to be as worthless as you are trying so hard to prove yourself to be, she will probably never be. *Closes the door, leaving the light on.*

...bang bang, I shot you down...

Sometimes I can't help but wonder if it's truly going to be worth all of this, if perhaps it would be easier to let it fade, disappear... those times usually last for all of a few hours on the days of my worst depression, and even then I can't take them too seriously. Not when something this complex can develop, not when I can lose myself for days in the writing alone, for days after analyzing... and for decades in the soul exposed beneath the ink and text and speech.

I'm trying, and believe me, it's not as easy as I'd like it to be, to finish this off. No, not this entry... the tale, the sights it lays bare, the reasons for it.

...bang bang, that aweful sound...

lady_jax_raven: As you wrote him, what reasons did he have for trying to behave, rather than trying to fail?
Daemon-Sha: To be rid of me. To escape pain, even temporary pain.
lady_jax_raven: ...and thus to go back where there was constant pain, worse than what you give?
Daemon-Sha: *has no answer*
lady_jax_raven: If you were given the choice between occasional, carefully-controlled pain administered by someone you weren't really afraid of... or pain that occupied more than half of your time each day, controlled with more knowledge and less care, from someone who scared the crap out of you, which would you choose?
Daemon-Sha: The former, Mistress.
lady_jax_raven: If you were given the choice between infrequent pain from a stranger, someone you felt almost sorry for and yet liked somewhat as you got to know him, someone who was going to be extremely careful not to hurt you too much...
lady_jax_raven: ...or someone who was more concerned with hurting you enough but who you knew would keep you alive, protect you, perhaps even stop hurting you entirely if you could just figure out what was expected of you...?
Daemon-Sha: This boy, Mistress, would choose the latter....most people might choose the former.
lady_jax_raven: ...and if you knew that person A was hurting you in order to shatter, then rebuild you, fully aware of what she was doing, with a finished product in mind, and that person B was a novice, with little idea as to what he was doing and no concrete goal other than to get you to stop being his problem?
Daemon-Sha: Mistress, this boy would want to come back to You
lady_jax_raven: *grins faintly* ...What do you think Radu believes he is choosing between?
Daemon-Sha: The last pair of options, Mistress.
lady_jax_raven: The only time he had come to the attention of person A since being placed in person B's care was when person B had in some way caused him more pain, more suffering, than usual.
lady_jax_raven: So, WHY would he be provoking you, trying to egg you on?
Daemon-Sha: Because he wants to come back to You, where he is at least on some sort of solid ground. he's gone, I don't know why...

Levels and layers and you know, someday he'll start to wonder why I'm making my interests, my reasoning, so clear. Logic says that if you're trying to poke holes in someone's psyche, you don't TELL them what you're about. Logic says that if you're trying to peer past someone's surface mask, see beyond, the only way is to poke those holes, to shatter it...

...and I suspect the boy would say he doesn't wear a mask for me, or at least tries not to. He might believe he bares himself. He might convince himself his surrender is complete, as complete as it can be.

I wonder if he wonders.

...bang bang, she shot me down...

Daemon-Sha: You wanted him broken...I'm trying to take away all his hope. >.<
Daemon-Sha: Or rather, You wanted this boy to try to break him.
lady_jax_raven: *smiles slightly* ...and you made a fair start at it by walking away, rather than beating him. Why did you do so?
Daemon-Sha: Because he wanted a fight.
lady_jax_raven: More specifically, WHY were you denying him the fight he seemed to want?
Daemon-Sha: It...seemed like the appropriate response, Mistress.
lady_jax_raven: If Radu had been quiet, cooperative, would you have continued the beating?
Daemon-Sha: It probably would have ended the same way.
lady_jax_raven: *nods again* Last question, theunre. Do you know why I am this curious about how you would attempt to break someone?
Daemon-Sha: ...his only guess is that it gives You insight on how he would be best broken.
lady_jax_raven: *nuzzles you gently* Yes, that's the main reason...
lady_jax_raven: ...but there is a second one as well. It gives me a fairly good idea of just how close to being broken you are.
Daemon-Sha: *Shivers, curling in on himself*
lady_jax_raven: Speak.
Daemon-Sha: Frightens him that You would want to find that out, Mistress. Frightens him that it even crosses Your mind to find out what it would take to break him.

...bang bang, I hit the ground...

So back we go to familiar ground, repetition, an order that by now he should be expecting.

Write, Kadin. Continue the tale, knowing now some small fraction of what I see in your words. Write, aware that no matter how you phrase, what you choose to say, a part of you that you unconsciously keep separate is spread out before me.

At the end, after you've written as much storyline as you can draw up today, answer a question:

Do you still view Radu as competition?

...bang bang, my baby shot me down...

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