I'm currently sleeping nearly 18-20 hours out of every day. This is NOT normal and NOT exactly healthy - on the other paw, since for months before now I was getting maybe two hours of sleep a night, I half suspect this is my body's way of compensating for what it's been through lately.

I do have a cold *sneezes* but it's not horrible yet. I am taking my meds, taking not-my-meds, taking almost-my-meds, and taking a few things that are not by any stretch of the imagination meds... but it's all good.

Lots of 'but's in this entry, neh?

I'm feeling somewhat introspective... it might just be the cold medication talking, but honestly (there's that word again, but, dammit) I am having a hard time NOT analyzing myself just now.

Something I explained, or tried to explain, to Shan... my boys. And my search for a Master.

See, I don't think I will ever really have a proper Master, not one as completely and wholly my owner and keeper as Snow is to her, not one as thorough and posessive as a Gorean Master, certainly. Why not?

Because I wouldn't be good for him. I wouldn't be enough for him. I love myself, my will, my boys, my freedom, my life, too much to hand it all over to a man for safe keeping, to give it all up in trade for a collar, no matter how comforting that collar might be.

I love too many people, would miss too much of what I have now.

I wouldn't give up Kadin, or Caleb, or Nick, or Alex, for anything... wouldn't sacrifice my time with Rhett, my conversations with Daris, my time with Trinian, none of it. I like who I am and what I have, even with its flaws.

I would not give enough of myself to make owning me worth while.

But... and yes, there is that word AGAIN... but for my boys, I could give up the universe. For them, and them alone, my boys and sometimes Rhett who I trust in the oddest of ways, sometimes Grr who I love as a sister, a mother, and a girlfriend all at once... for them, sometimes, I can be the sweet, loving, innocent, trembling slavegirl. Sometimes I have to be. Sometimes I want to be. And sometimes I neither want nor need, but will play the part anyway because it is what they want or need, and I love them dearly.

That's why I love them - they accept all of me. Every part. Slavegirl, Domme, jester, angst-ridden poet, and plain old Jax who picks flowers by the side of the road and weaves them into daisy chains. Me.

They love ME.

Do you have any idea how rare that is?