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Previous - this entry written on 2001-08-02 at 4:22 a.m. - Next That's right, kiddies... time for another trip through the vaults. I'm going to pull out quite a few oldies... and maybe some new stuff too. I don't know. I'm just in a mood to post, so bear with me. Anyway... --- You Have Hands --- You have hands that refuse to touch because you fear pain You have eyes that refuse to see because you fear desire You have ears that refuse to hear because you fear truth You have a body that refuses to feel because you fear need You have a mind that refuses to accept because you fear addiction You have a heart that refuses to open because you fear acceptance You have a past that refuses to fade because you fear the present You have me and you refuse that too... Learn to face your fears. --- Short, sweet, and to the point? Perhaps. I don't remember who I wrote that to, or why. I don't even remember when. I just know that every now and then I want to hit certain people over the head with it... and other times, it doesn't apply at all. See, NO ONE really has me. Not anyone. There are people I share myself with, share time with, people I care about... but they don't HAVE me. The more of me they try to claim, the more they push me away. The more emotionally clingy they get, the more irritated I get. See, I'm not talking slaveboy-clingy, not the touchy-feelie stuff. That's actually ok most of the time, and if it's not, I just say STOP and it had damned well better stop. No, I'm talking the 'you don't spend enough time with me', 'you never talk with me', 'you don't care about me' bullshit that seems to come only from the people I DO care about. I don't get it. I don't get it at ALL. See, if I didn't care, why would I even listen? If I didn't spend time with you, didn't think you were important, would I even be there to HEAR this, would I bother READING it, would I even acknowledge your existance? NO. So cope. *sigh* --- Shades Of Red --- my dreams are drenched in shades of red the bright crimson smear of lipstick a glimmer and flash of a ruby ring subtle hints of flame in half-closed eyes the dark amber tones of blood if dreams reflect reality then where are the rest of the colors? where is the rainbow of blues and golds and greens? the vibrant glory of autumn leaves fades into the rich colors of rose petals shifts to the electric gloss of a fire engine blends with tacky nailpolish and the dancing glow of fire not nightmares these dreams are simply different views of reality a new way of looking at my life in my dreams the world is colorblind and I, I am the only one who sees the single hue that fills the universe and slowly stains my mind --- I know. Not the most cheerful of things. But... well, it's how I've been feeling. As if the anger, the frustration, the rage... as if that's all there IS. I say that my timing is off. I call it a mood swing. I'll use any words, anything other than admit this one simple fact: It's all gone bad. Kadin is going back up to Canada. He's going up there and I am fairly sure that he will not be back soon, if ever. He is leaving. And I can feel it coming, it's like watching a semi barreling toward me at 90+, knowing even if the driver wants to stop that he won't be able to in time. I am being flattened by the concept of Kadin leaving me. Gone. Caleb's legs and ankles are NOT doing well and the doctors say that nothing can be done. Bad joints. No help. No painkillers either, but that might be for the best, as I would get hooked on them and use up his whole supply. Still, it hurts me to see him hurting... and he's hurting mentally/emotionally too. I can't prove it, he doesn't say it, but it feels as if having Kadin around hurts him. I guess it's rational... or maybe it SEEMS rational and so I'm imagining it there when it is not... but really. I go out of my way to make sure Kadin realizes that Caleb comes first. I try to make sure that I don't have much more sex with one than with the other. I do my best to be fair with a bit more toward Caleb if it leans anywhere. He's first. He's MINE. He... hm. I love him. I want him. I need him. I treasure him. And that's that. I'm stressing about Deb. About Grr. About bellybat, Grr's baby-to-be. About my health. About my mother. About Angel, again - I hate my dreams. About Work. About money. About everything. I just need a break... although I know there are people who would tell me my entire life is a break. Fuck them. They aren't living it. --- Jack Of Hearts --- He tells me that death Is not just the easy way out But the only way out And as I�m listening to him He almost has me believing That it is the right way out So I keep listening And I try to ignore the fact That he is putting the knife In my hand As well as in my heart --- Some things I will never forget. It doesn't matter what the reasons for them were. It doesn't matter if I've forgiven them. It doesn't matter if they are long past, if they should no longer matter... none of that has any effect. They are etched into my memory so clearly, twisted and scarred, turned into something beyond simple recollection. They've become milestones, if you will. The things I'll remember even if I forget my own name. --- Take --- When my eyes finally empty of tears when they dry and the first thing I see is your face when you�re sheltering me take the look that I give �cause it�s all that I have any more... When my heart finally slows as I lay fast asleep in a tightly curled ball when my sighs are stilled by the night take the calm that I show �cause it�s not what I know any more... When my smile finally shows as I sob on the floor and my tears start to flow when the pain brings me back to myself take the pride that I hide �cause it�s all that�s inside any more... When my back finally arches in joy as I moan and I tear at the sheets when my skin turnes hot with desire take the heat that I feel �cause it�s all that seems real any more... Take my heart, take my breath, take my soul, leave me death �cause it�s all that I want and it�s all that I need any more... --- Another rather glum piece... but I've been there. I've been so low that everything looked up only because I couldn't go any lower and still be alive. I've been in that state where no matter what happens to me, no matter how bad it seems, I think I deserve it. I HATE that place, that mindset... and I crave it... and it's been a while since I have fallen into it. I have the horrible feeling that I am close, perhaps a bit too close, to sinking again. It doesn't really help that sinking seems to be encouraged just now. It certainly doesn't help that I am tempted to pull the boy down with me, teach him how it feels. I really am making him suffer for my sins, feel the same pain I have felt. I'm doing to him what was done to me. I should feel guilty. I don't. I just feel tired. Maybe I should go to bed. Hosted by Diaryland - All Rights Reserved - Image, Layout, and Content copyright Jax Raven - - Do Not Feed The Moose - |
