Breathing
Previous - this entry written on August 23, 2002 at 2:13 am - Next


Terrified.

I don't know how else to put it.

I know what she thinks will fix this.

Music. I'm clinging to that.

Written to Nick:

It's finally cooling off here, no more heat so insane I can barely breathe... but still, in the computer room, it's stuffy. Upstairs, my computer is set up; no modem, no connection to the rest of the world. I hide up there sometimes, less when it was hot (no AC up there) but even now, I find myself just curling up there and half-dreaming, half-imagining.

Not really awake, not really asleep. Every day is a blur, right now. Events, moments, stand out... but I couldn't even begin to put them in order, really. I keep my journal up-to-date as best I can, if only so I can look back to remember when I ACTUALLY did the shit I would have sworn I did yesterday, or last week, or whenever.

I'm writing less, right now. Sieia-To, that part of me... she's... ehh. I don't have words for it, really. I thought maybe I could describe it to you, but the words just aren't there, it's not something I even know how to explain. It's like I'm crumbling, but even that, something about it just... doesn't fit.

Music... when I do die, I'm coming back as music. I think that might be what I was in my last life, too... music, some composer's muse, the sound of a harpstring or a piano key being pressed. I'd like to think that, anyway.


I don't really know why I'm even writing. I hadn't thought I would be back to write. I keep doing this, KNOWING I should just walk away, stay offline, find something, anything, else to do.

Oh.

That's right.

I got tired of blood on my fingers.

It's how I keep calm, right now. It's almost funny. Almost amusing. It's only in places no one sees.

And really, writing this, I should be more worried, since I know that people who know ME read this. I'm not, though... because you see, writing about it may be theraputic. TALKING about it, though... no. Confront me?

Yeah. Run.

I don't know how long I'd be able to handle street life. Not too long, I bet. Not with health like this. Not with a mind like this.

Someone's going to introduce me to the wrong person, the wrong place, the wrong drug... and I'll be out of this place like a leftover midsummer breeze.

Promises.

Rhett, I promised you one year.

Kadin, I promised you I'd break you, rather than give you up.

Torian, I promised you that I'd live to watch you take your last breath.

Caleb... I know I've promised you something. *bows her head, ashamed* Right now, all I know I've offered you is myself and my love, I don't know how I phrased it.

I..........

...I need to go.

Sleep.

Maybe eat.

Maybe not.

No more Joi songs for me, that's for sure. *shivers slightly*

...what would happen if we kissed...

...what would happen if I ran now?

How do I face the fact that the main reason I haven't gotten laid in so long isn't because I can't, it's just because I don't want anyone seeing the new scars?

Will you, walk me
To the edge again
Shaking, lonely, and I am drinking again
Woke up tonight and no one's here with me
I'm giving in to you

Take me under
I'm giving in to you
I'm dying tonight
I'm giving in to you
Watch me crumble
I'm giving in to you
I'm crying tonight
I'm giving in to you

Caught up, in life
Losing all my friends
Family has tried, to heal all my addictions
Tragic it seems, to be alone again
I'm giving in to you

Take me under
I'm giving in to you
I'm dying tonight
I'm giving in to you
Watch me crumble
I'm giving in to you
I'm crying tonight
I'm giving in to you

(Oh fuck)

I look forward, to dying tonight
Drinks still on myself, life's harder every day
The stress has got me
I'm giving in
Giving
Giving in now!

Take me under
(I'm killing all the faith)
I'm dying tonight
(I'm sick of all that faith)
Watch me crumble
(I'm killing all the faith)
I'm crying tonight

I'm giving in to you
Take me under
I'm giving in to you
I'm dying tonight
I'm giving in to you
Watch me crumble
I'm giving in to you
I'm crying tonight
I'm giving in to you
Take me under
I'm giving in to you
I'm dying tonight
I'm giving in to you


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