Case in point - Scott. No, not the guy from the beach, but someone else entirely. Likes Godzilla movies and The Cat People, has stamina but actually does TOO MUCH foreplay... he has a thing for red hair, he would make a beautiful Dom if he wasn't so damned gentle, and he'd make a slaveboy who could break your heart... if he was broken. And he'd be hard indeed to break.

So why is he an example? Because this isn't the first time I've gone through serious attraction to him. The first time was about the time Rie started dating him... odd, that. She seems to get attracted to a LOT of men about the same time I do, and well, she's Rie. She gets them. She got him... and I got to comfort him when he figured out she didn't really want him.

But we went out to coffee tonight, part of a large group. I hadn't intended to go, I wanted to hang around, talk with Nreshan, maybe write a bit... but... *shrug* ...I wanted, just once, for Nre to ask me to stay. For him to actually honestly care. He made his opinion pretty plain: "I'm not going to beg for you to stay here."

I didn't want him to beg me to stay in Furcadia, or online. I wanted him to ask me, beg me, even suggest to me that I stay WITH HIM. See the difference?

Anyway, he didn't, so I didn't. I went to coffee with Scott, Juliet, Matt, Caleb, Deb, Eamon (Cal's little brother), and a pawful of other people... and the entire time, I couldn't take my eyes off Scott. This is a bad and foolish thing. I know perfectly well that he is not only not interested in me, but not interested in any form of D/s, which... yeah. A relationship without D/s for me honestly doesn't happen. It's not what I want, need, or enjoy.

So why can't I get him out of my head tonight? It's not love, it's barely lust... just this odd feeling that I want to go snuggle him and have him pet me and feel safe. He's good at that, at making me feel safe. I always feel ok around him, as if no matter what happens, he'll be there. The way I wish I felt around most Doms. But... gah. Again, he's not a Dom. He doesn't WANT to be one. He hates being the protective one.

Yeah, he's attractive, at least I think so. Yeah, he's fun to talk to, and reasonably good to snuggle, and such.

I know already that trying to catch his eye would be a bad plan, though. I have the upcoming Thing with Kim's Slave... oh, didn't I mention that? I should have... I'll talk about it later. Anyway, I have that... I have Kadin arriving in what, 32, 31 days now? I have Caleb here. I have a hell of a lot, and I shouldn't need to add Scott to the mix. I really don't understand my attraction, and it's bugging the hell out of me. Maybe I'm just overly-hormoned today. That must be it.

There's other things... I got to talk to Nick today, and this was good. I miss him... I really haven't been here for him. No, I didn't end up calling him yet, but at least we talked online. I really hope his life improves a bit, he could use a break.

Because of the abortion, I can't have sex for a while... this bothers me too. I know I ranted once about my addiction, maybe it's a good time to repeat that. See, vicodin isn't the only thing I am addicted to. Sex, my ability to attract, please, tempt, tease, etc... that's a huge chunk of my ego and pride. Right there, neat little package. For me, sex isn't just about scratching an itch, although it sure as hell FEELS like an itch... it's a mental thing, though. If I don't get laid every so often, if I don't 'prove myself', I start feeling... ugly. Worthless. As if there's nothing worthwhile left in me. And then I slide into my submissive phase, because that's the only one that seems to bring me around, give me back a bit of my pride.

Yep.

I'm heading there. That might be part of why Scott draws me, right now. He gives me back my ego. He makes me feel safe. Right now, I REALLY need that. Caleb... I love him, I wouldn't be happy without him, but he's no Dom, he's not what I'm craving. Kitten sure as hell isn't, although his presence might simply SHOCK me out of my mood swing.

Rhett? Too far away, too... too close. I keep wanting to take HIM, not the other way around. And I can't feel him physically. I can't have the contact. I want that, I want hands on my body and eyes running over me and to be able to touch and be touched. I want to feel a blindfold, and know it is ok.

One of the things I remember most about Scott... when we were together one night, one of my really bad nights, I had been telling him about my life. About who I was. And mind you, this was the BAD stuff, not the good stuff. I started to cry (another reason I like him, I have a hard time crying around most people) and he pulled me over and just covered my eyes with his hands, gentle but solid, firm... warm. I cried a moment more, then... well, I just stopped needing to. *soft smile* He made it ok. He let me be little and tiny and snuggly... and just with his hands over my eyes.

I want that.

I want just one night where I don't have to be the one in charge.

I want to be able to hide away and not feel guilty, not get blamed for it, not get told I need to get out more or that I should 'just stop taking drugs, you'll feel better'. Gods. Do you have ANY idea how much I hate hearing that?

I take drugs because I hurt. These are NOT street drugs. These are things doctors say 'yes, you need this'. I take drugs because if I don't, I don't function at ALL. I curl up, crying, in pain, not able to do ANYTHING else.

Hmm... was just talking to someone about Snowtygrrr, about my reaction to him. "I learned. Got burned. Not making that mistake for a while."

I'm not entirely sure if it was just a mistake... I really don't need to trust, though. I had almost forgotten that. I'd been trying so hard to trust people... I thought I could, thought maybe everything I'd been feeling was just me. That it was ok to trust. I think different, now.

For Kadin's sake, for Caleb's, for Rhett's, it's rather a shame that this happened. Kadin, for example... I know he believes I do trust him, or at least hopes I do. I don't now. Or at least, I am trying to stop. If Snow could be such an idiot, hurt me so easily, then what's to stop any of them? Answer: nothing. Nothing but that 'bait' I so carefully put out, nothing but the collars and chains that keep them helpless.

So I'm going back to that, for a while. To the walls, the masks, the silence. I'll still write here. This will be the only place, though... this and my stories. I'm not going to bother speaking, talking, openly again for a while. I'm really tired of hurting, physically and emotionally. Maybe if I can stop one, I'll stop both?

At least, I can hope so.

I've wandered around a lot in this entry... I suppose it shouldn't surprise me. Percoset and pain and really mixed-up hormones. I've got good reasons to ramble, I guess. But it's about time to bring this to a close. I need to get some rest, and I want to go try to cheer up. I'm going to lurk online... maybe read a few of Akasha's stories. Maybe write a bit. Maybe not. I really don't know, right now... I just know that my walls aren't really strong enough yet. I'd let them down, let people in. Big mistake.

They go back up.

NOW.