Am I? I don't think so... I've got nowhere to go, nothing to run to, and I know better than to leap into nothingness...

...and I am NOT leaving behind the truest, purest love that I have ever found. I am not giving up my boys... more specifically, I am not giving up Caleb. I love him. First and foremost, I love him.

Heart Of Air - Kiss Me Sunlights

Found that song courtesy of Kenji... it's playing on repeat right now. Spike is curled up on the couch reading "The Long Run" and we agreed that Chris O'Donnell would make a passable Trent - if you don't understand this, find a copy of "The Long Run" or even "The Last Dancer" by Daniel Keys Moran and read.

If you find and read them both, I think I can safely say it will change your outlook on life. Those two, plus "Ender's Game" by Orson Scott Card and "Stranger In A Strange Land" by Heinlein... yeah.

Nearly a religion.

So Grr is giving up her claim to Spike. She's said it publically, and I think she means it. Part of me is relieved... because you see, if it came to a fight between Grr and I of any sort, she would win. I know this. She is my Lady.

Part of me is sad, because I feel like I'm interfering, even though I know it's ok, I know it's not... as it feels.

And part of me... part of me just keeps staring at him, wondering when I'm going to wake up from this dream.

I know. I'm writing about him a lot, right now.

Do you want to know what else is on my mind?

One of the most beautiful creatures in the world with a velvet-rich voice and a heart that is fragile and perfect loves me... wears my mark, now... belongs to me. BELONGS. There's that ownership thing.

And it's not because he has to, not because he thinks there is no other way, no blackmail, no traps... it's because he knows how happy it makes me and how much it makes me smile. It's because it makes him feel safe and loved, lets him be constantly aware that I treasure him.

A delightful boy lives in Canada, going through hell that I can't fix and can't take him away from. It's killing him, to stay there. It's killing him to be away from the first person to accept him, love him, cherish him, and lay claim to him in ways that he could understand. It's killing him to be away from the only place he now thinks of as home.

My love, my lover, is in California. I hate the thought of that place, I dread it. I have nightmares about heat and sand. I am terrified by the sheer idea of going down there.

But - and this is important - but my Caleb is there. And for that reason alone when the time comes, I will go.

Now is where you ask 'when will the time come'? Because you see, it's not a set date. It's a set of qualifications.

Is there a place for me there?

Will there be health care?

Will there be safety and shelter?

Will there be love?

Will there be understanding?

"Halcyon & On & On" is playing now (Orbital does it, it's from the Hackers soundtrack) and my head is spinning.

Far away, too far away, a creature is falling into madness and I can't reach out far enough to save him. I can't protect him from his dreams. *sighs softly*

A young boy in Canada is alone and frightened and I'm not there to help him.

A man is in the Army... and I've failed him. *shivers softly* Failed the one who might protect me, might care for me... I can't find the words yet to pour out my heart for him again. I know they are here somewhere. They must be.

I dream...

...

...strong arms. Gentle hands. Understanding. Acceptance.

I know that Spike isn't 'the one'... there is no 'one' for me. I need too much and expect too much for any one person to meet and match it.

I love him, yes. Grr was right about that, I've fallen. And being me, being female, I can't help wishing that he would fall too, that he would show affection, show emotion, let me get this cattyness and clingy shit the HELL out of my system instead of burying it. *shrugs*

Something that at least a few people know... my loves, my hungers, my needs... cyclical.

Right now, I need him... I need his calmness, I need his affection, I need his friendship and presence in my life. I need his love, even.

However, it's not fair to him, because I know perfectly well that much of what I am feeling for him is simply being transferred to him because everyone else I care about is so far away.

He is the physical reality, and I am in a dreamworld... *shrugs yet again*

I love him.

I want him.

That doesn't change anything, though... funny how it works. And seeing Grr have the strength and willpower to give him up... ehh. If he's not ready, not willing, or not able to fall into the drama with me... then I am going to have to find some of that strength, and see if I can back off.

*wry grin* No fun drowning if I'm not dragging someone else down with me, don'cha know.