Confusion and...
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They say...

...or rather, the infinite mystical evil never-seen They don't say a damned thing, because They know I'm ignoring Them. Completely. It's too nice a day to be paranoid, right? Which is why I am effectively talking to myself here, typing away when I could be doing something useful and productive, like sorting my socks. I have a LOT of mismatched socks, and they are never sorted. Fortunately, they are all about the same size, and black. This makes my life easier.

I currently need an easier life, because Tash is being almost as much of a nuisance as Nre has been. The boy (Tash, not Nre, gotta love pronouns) seems determined to push me, to see what he can get away with. Mind you, this is perfectly reasonable, I expected it, planned for it, etc. However, did it have to happen today?

I've got a letter from him. There were VERY few things I bothered to give him direct orders about, I figured hey, he just met me, let him have a few weeks to get accustomed to this. Has he obeyed? Has he managed to get even ONE letter sent off without insults, mistakes, and REALLY bad phrasing? Nope. Not a chance.

But that's ok. Kadin has barely written six words. That's ok. Nreshan has managed to leave me actually furious at him for the first time almost since I met him. That's ok. Caleb is managing to make me feel guilty for not wanting to have sex when IT FUCKING HURTS TO DO SO... but that's ok. All in all, I'm ok. Everything is ok.

Did I mention that I have vicodin?

*sigh* I'm talking to Nre on ICQ... and realizing yet again that what I'm ranting about here is symptoms, not the problem. There's something bothering me, something damned deep, and I am having a very hard time getting it out. First, because I think it would be a Very Bad Idea to talk about it until I'm ready... second, because I don't actually know what it is, entirely... and third, because I don't seem to be able to find enough words to even hint at it. As a writer (unpublished, unsung, but hey I can dream...) not being able to find words is one of the most hellish things on the planet.

Impatience. That's a good word to start with... it's tangled up in this mess quite nicely. I am impatient. Ok, we've got that... now, why am I impatient? Or rather, what is it I'm waiting for? Kadin? That's usually my first assumption, after all, it's less than 500 hours until he gets here, less than a month, so soon... that's not it, is it.

Nope.

Hmm...

We'll leave that thought to stew for a moment, and pull another emotion out here. "Fear"... odd. When did THAT get here? I would have sworn I didn't have much of that left at all, but here's a big lump of it sitting out for no reason at all. Can I connect it to anyone?

Nre? Nope, much as he teases. Rhett? Nope, threat that he is, he's not THAT much of one, not right now. He's a friend. Kadin? Again, although he's here in my thoughts it's almost... distant... right now. Caleb? *laughing* Gods, no. Not Scott, not Juliet, not anyone around here... not... well, never mind who, but not him, not THIS fear anyway... this is quite confusing.

I can taste something. That's not exactly the right word either, but this doesn't really equate to any of the senses... it's just there, like an aftertaste in the back of your mouth, something you weren't entirely expecting. It's making me nervous. Jittery.

Also, I'm dead tired. I feel as if I want to hibernate, preparation for something, someone, somehow... what in the world is going on here?

I really wish I understood this.

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