It's 5:00 in the morning. Early. I'm drinking plum wine, the last of the stuff that Kenji gave me, and it's helping with the pain. No more vicodin, and at this point the nifty new things have pretty much stopped working. *sighs* I hate this hurt, it's been here for so long that it's starting to feel familiar. I don't want familiar pain. I want it GONE.

Tomorrow at 2:00 I've a tutoring appointment with the fellow who flirts, which should be exceptionally interesting unless Deb forgets (again) and disappears with the van or something. Then at 9:00 at night - 9:00 at night, who the hell schedules serious medical appointments then? I think they are pulling my leg - I go in for my scans. I am seriously terrified of this, and I don't like the thought of going in alone, but there's really not anyone to go with me. Juliet's sick and a hospital is NOT the place for her... Scott hates 'em and has to work the next day... Kenji is leaving and has things to do... Deb doesn't like hospitals and would be bored... *sighs* I want my boys here not just for sex and snuggles, but because sometimes I am a very small Jax in a very large world and just want not to be alone at scary times.

So I go in at 9:00 at night. Come out goddess-knows-when, although hopefully it won't take more than a couple hours. Come home, call Caleb and Nick (who I was supposed to call today and I JUST remembered, I am ten kinds of idiot), write up an entry with any news, if there is any news... I am worried that the news will be bad, very bad... because I don't know how much more bad news I can deal with. I'm already having some serious problems.

I need to keep trying to get a psyche appointment. My head is fucked up enough, if there is anything I can do to fix it I should be trying, right? And I need to look into a lawyer again. The pregnancy bit, the emotional stress, the hurt and tears and frustration and MISERY... dammit, I don't want that doctor practicing. I don't want him TOUCHING another woman. Ever. *sighs* I am not a happy camper this morning.

The plum wine is slowly warming to room temperature, but that's ok because I am slowly warming to drunk temperature, which sounded clever when I thought it but now that I look at it, is exceptionally sad. *wry grin* Arrasto took off for bed a while-ish ago and I'd logged off to go masturbate and try to get some sleep, except the pain hit halfway through and I didn't even cum, I just cried a lot and am now trying hard to get drunk.

Maybe tomorrow they will find a way to make it stop hurting... or at least, will give me little white pieces of anti-pain.

I am an addict and tonight I so very don't care. I just want to stop hurting. I don't care if it hooks me for the next ten lifetimes. Better addiction than anything more final, yes?

Erk. Depression hitting. Must finish getting drunk, and try to get some sleep. Morning comes far too quickly, here.