I think I have gotten a bit too good at running away... but I don't know. I don't know a damned thing any more, I thought I knew.

Then he asked and the world tumbled down and I looked... I thought the answer was yes. I thought I wanted. I thought I would be safe. And he did everything so right, all of it... so why was I afraid to come back to the computer? Why am I now staring with my heart in my throat and trembling hands at ICQ? Why do I feel like I want to run?

I know why.

I know what it feels like I am giving up.

This... is going to sound silly. But it feels like as soon as he figured out that he isn't going to replace Kadin/caleb/my pets in general... he found the next best thing, the way to get rid of them. Make me one of them.

It feels like I am being cut off from that side of me... from the one thing that's kept me going.

It feels like I am loosing so much... and gaining what? His happiness? He said himself, he wouldn't wish for happiness. His love? If I have to be his slave to have his love, isn't there something wrong there? Perhaps not... since I know that my love is most easily given to my slaves... I understand it. I just can't accept it when the tables are turned, apparently.

And I know this isn't his fault. He... gods, he's so sweet... he isn't intending to hurt me. I don't think he WANTS to rip me apart, not most of the time... and not like this, I hope. He doesn't realize how deep this goes. That when I try to say yes to that, when I WANT it, and when I KNOW I want it... it's for then. An hour, a day, a week later... I need my strength. I need to be able to stand on my own. I need to be able to survive without him... if I can't, I am nothing. I really am a slave, nothing more. I don't want that...

...he can't handle that. He can't take care of a slave. He doesn't have the resources, and only a few of the skills. He isn't ready. ~I~ am not ready.

I might just be reading it all wrong, misinterpreting... but it sounds like he wants the same thing I do... he should understand then, why I have such a hard time giving it. I am not loyal, except to my slaves. I am not devoted, except to my slaves. I am not nice, not obedient, not sweet and willing and compliant... except to my slaves.

I think he's made it pretty clear that he is not one of those, nor will he ever be.

At the moment, it feels like that says it all... give me another hour. Another hour... and who knows what I will believe?