In Which our Hero Craves Chocobears
Previous - this entry written on March 22, 2002 at 9:58 am - Next


I still have Sarah's music echoing in my head... there are trucks and construction people outside cluttering up the air with noise, but in my thoughts the music is pure and unending.

I can say so much. I can write so much, words following words following words until the sound of my fingers on the keys and the slow progression of black-against-white fills me, leaving no room for thought or emotion. I can spill out everything onto this page, post it up, pasting my heart and soul into a text window for the universe to gawk at.

Why is it I write in here again? Why the hell do I continue to rip myself apart over and over? Ego? Masochism? Misery loves company? Damned if I know.

It's morning, I have had almost no sleep and what I DID get was on a hard floor instead of a soft futon. I'm a big fan of beds, actually. I like floors for sitting on, sprawling on, they are wonderful things, but when it's actually time to SLEEP I've gotten spoiled and need a good bed. Anything else leads to uncomfortableness and lack of real rest. Even comfy sofas and futons are stopgaps... I need to get a good bed.

I've yet again got lots in my head, but I am having a surprisingly hard time getting it out.

Grr says that I'm going to fall for him, she seems to regard it as a done deal. This... worries me, mostly. Bad form to fall for someone who won't fall back. And it upsets me, because I really DO want something simple, and have yet to find love to be simple in any way, shape, or form. And it's a tad offensive - I feel as if I am being Thought Less Of, and not really sure why. I can't say that I will NOT fall for him, he makes it astonishingly easy... but I can say that it won't, or at least shouldn't and hopefully won't, affect how I behave.

*shrugs* Emotions are incidental, yes?

What I want and what I am and what I need still hasn't changed... who I am, what I believe, my opinions and my tastes, those haven't changed, nor are they likely to. I am a stubborn Goat, I am, and I like it that way. *wry grin*

So. Not going to worry about that... because either it'll happen or it won't, and even if it does, it shouldn't change anything.

What I AM going to worry about, at least at the moment, is Arrasto and the idiocy of a friend of a friend of his. No explanations, I'm sorry, but it's not my story to share... but it is worry-worthy and I really hope it works out ok for him.

I'll be headed away from the Grr-house soonish... Spike has to be downtown to meet Red at some in-theory-wonderful coffeeshop and I REALLY wish I wasn't broke, I could use some time out and about. Of course, I am pretty sure that I am so very NOT invited, this being something of a Guy Thing and involving Red, who I swear hates women, wanting to fuck them or not. Still, it's a nice thought, it really is. I haven't hung out downtown in forEVER.

I need to do that.

If I'd money for two bus fares - which I do not - I would so very just hop off the MAX at the Square and spend a few hours down there. I could use the rest. Wander through Powell's, maybe... stop by Sparticus... check out a couple of the new stores that've opened up, just see what's going on. Do a tarot reading for myself in the park blocks. Walk by the waterfront. Whatever.

I miss downtown.

Spike-boy is wandering about getting dressed and having coffee. I think I'm going to go curl up and wait for my head to stop hurting quite so much, then kidnap some of the chocobears that Grr was almost-bribing us with... chocolate is good and right now, I think I need a bit of it.

If anyone has a fully functional brain and non-overloaded set of hormones they'd be willing to rent to me, let me know?

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