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Previous - this entry written on June 05, 2002 at 6:31 pm - Next ...I want to be a kid again... This would be the point where I pray desperately for a cigarette, my gear, and a few hours alone with someone young, fragile, easily-bruised, innocent, etc. Don't ask. It doesn't make any sense. Particularly not after what has, actually, been a rather pleasant day. Brief mood swing, is all... at least, I hope it's all. Listening to "Bloodsport" and "Tango To Evora" and "Belladonna" (it's by Legendary Pink Dots, is one of the ultimate Goth songs, and is worth hearing. Go. Listen.) is not a healthy way for me to cope with life, apparently. I base this entirely on the fact that about ten minutes ago every Domme urge I have seemed to go out the window. Oh, don't get me wrong, I've got plenty of sadism left... but it's petty, vindictive, not balanced by affection and pleasure. It's just there 'cause I want to kick something. No, the urges and instincts that are running through me have precious little to do with chaining up and teasing some sweet young thing. *sighs* Why can't I keep my head in one state for more than a few hours running? Where is it written that I don't get to stay happy and calm and all? Or is this another one of the 'ha ha, you're sober and in pain, and so we'll fuck with your head' games that a particular bitch-in-my-head seems determined to play? Have I explained Sieia-To yet to anyone here? It's likely I haven't, actually. She's kind of my guilty pleasure, dark secret, and hidden shame. Yes, all of that at once. She's GOOD at what she does. Better at it than I am, that's for sure, which is kind of embarassing since what she DOES is be me, until she gets someone at her mercy. Then she's too busy being psychopathic sadistic femme-from-hell to be Jax any longer. *blinks a bit* Yes, this would be one of those things I rarely write about, oh Midnight dream... and incidentally, I blame my lovely little half-awake wet dream of dark-furred felines on you entirely. All your doing. *amused* But back to what I was saying, sort of... ...a lot of people don't 'believe in' MPD - Multiple Personality Disorder, for the uninformed. I myself don't always believe in it; certainly not in the versions of it that some movies and cartoons try to foist off. But I know what it's like having someone else along with you inside your head, and I know too many people who have, both willingly and unwillingly, experienced the same, for me to doubt it completely. Sieia-To (pronounced see-EH-toeh) is the reason I believe in a lot of things... MPD is just one of them. She - and it will always be she, there is no real connection and no love lost between her and the Collective - is separate enough that if she's out (another quick set of definitions... Out: in control of motor functions, speech, etc. Collective: Jax as a whole, excluding Sieia-To. Split, Alt, Fragment, Flavor, Part, Persona: various terms for one personality in someone with MPD, and/or for one aspect of a whole person, and/or for one aspect of a personality - confused yet?) ...err... ...sorry, I got lost there for a minute. Where was I? Oh, yes: She's unique, not tied to the Collective in any way... and when she is out, often the rest of us are (read: I am) unable to function. Imagine being trapped inside your own head while a stranger does things you don't approve of and says things that you don't believe in. It's pretty frightening. Now add in another aspect, memory loss; when she is far enough out, whatever happens seems to be recorded in some block of memory in my head that only she has access to. Admittedly, sometimes when she's pretty far IN, she can't remember what's happened when she finally does come out, but ehh, she's a bitch, I don't care. For a while, not all that long ago, I had thought that I was more-or-less over the whole thing. See, the Collective, that's just me. Various aspects, various sides of me, as it were... my sub sides, my Domme sides, my playful sides, etc. given name and form. It helps me keep ahold of myself, actually. Kind of a coping method. She has never been about 'cope', sadly... so I was thrilled when it seemed as if she was gone. Nothing left inside, no sign of her for a long time... I thought I had finally grown past the need for her, or healed, or what-have-you, and then I was looking for a poem I wrote and came across a polite note from her written on Monday. *blinks* The note was dated Monday, June 3, 2002. Signed by her. Written in my handwriting, more or less, in my notebook, with my glitterpen since, as she complained, she couldn't find anything else. I just love being hit over the head by the realization that I'm nuts. *sighs, arghing* This is a large chunk of why I do NOT try to get rid of my sub side any more... it's actually comforting to know that there are some buttons and triggers left in there that people I trust can use, when I'm... not at the helm, as it were. It's comforting to know that if it becomes necessary, I can loose myself in a collar. It's certainly comforting to hear her ranting and whining every time I even consider submitting to anyone, even in play... *shrugs* ...there's this oddness, wherein the more I submit, the less she comes out. Doesn't always work, but it does so more often than not. The only exception: if it's obvious that I am in serious physical danger, or if it looks as if I'm about to be broken, boom. I'll give her that, she does try to protect me most of the time. *glances back over the entry she's just written... sighs again* Nuts. Completely, utterly nuts. And now I'm trying to remember... I think I had promised someone I would write an entry regarding how to split. Yep. Explaining HOW you go about becoming nuts. No way in hell I'm offering anyone another Sieia-To in their head instead of mine... that's not the sort of explanation I'm going to give. Rather, I'm going to describe how I created the Collective, and a bit of why, and if you're really curious, you can go ahead and fragment yourself. The Why Going through life being hypersensative physically, hypersensative emotionally, with an overactive imagination, psycho religious parents, and a serious set of issues when it comes to sex, is not easy. The first split I created wasn't even a proper split... just a 'good girl' mask that I could pull on when I had to deal with my parents. It was easier than trying to explain to them what I really believed (I know, I tried) and easier than trying to BE the wussy, stupid, brainwashed, giggly, prissy, religious little shite my parents insisted they wanted. The next such division was when I rather consciously created three masks, stronger than the good girl that I had been using - I'd had several years to strengthen THAT one and learn how to make it better, and I ran with that knowledge - I had the Slut, the Dreamer, and the Saint... and of course me, a hyper young teen who refused to be any one thing for long. Those worked somewhat... and then I met Angel. And was... introduced... to Sieia-To. And from her I learned how to properly separate... which is what I'm going to teach you now. It's useful if you find yourself easily angered - let the anger flow into one persona, who you can then pull up when you need to fight, to defend yourself, to shout over a crowd, whatever... and keep a second, calmer persona to actually deal with people. I'm sure you can come up with other uses. But anyway, the technique I used: Creation Sit down with several pieces of paper, or ideally a nice-sized notebook. The first step is actually the hardest one: figuring out how many 'alts' you need. The first one is the Base. This is the strongest alt, the one that you-as-a-whole most resemble, or most want to resemble. This is the one to whom you give the keys to the castle, as it were. No need to give it a name yet... but on the first page, near the top (this is your index page if you have a notebook), write "Base" and leave a space after it for the name when you have one. On the next line, write a few words describing this Base. No need to get complicated; that can come later. For now, just the basics... "Dominant" or "Caring" or "Young" or "Urbane" or whatever else you feel like. A few lines below the Base is the Second... there will be times when your Base persona just isn't appropriate, and those times are when you will want this Second to keep an eye out. For example, if your Base is a submissive persona, your Second should be at least somewhat Dominant... if your Base is a gay male, you might want your Second to be a straight male, or a gay female, or at least bi... you get the idea. Someone to keep an eye on things when your Base just can't deal with whatever-it-is. Again, leave a space for a name and on the line below, add a brief description. Continue on down the page... at this point, the description comes first. If you're not sure what kinds of personae to add, don't be worried. You can always add more later, or subtract them if you have too many, or edit them... sorry, computer geekishness showing. A few examples, based on my inner pantheon: 1: Base - arrogant, intelligent, somewhat masochistic yet dominant in temperment. 2: Second A - fully dominant, protective, caring. 3: Second B - fully submissive, masochistic, unashamed, innocent. 4: Child - hyper, young, vanilla, innocent. 5: Artist - daydreamer, depressed, creative, writer, designer. 6: Guard - submissive, provocative, intelligent *chuckles* I'm gonna post this now... and continue it with the rest of the Creation Instructions in a moment. Poor Meganlala is bored and wants something to read. Hosted by Diaryland - All Rights Reserved - Image, Layout, and Content copyright Jax Raven - - Do Not Feed The Moose - |
