Can Too Cry On Valium
Previous - this entry written on 2001-04-28 at 8:06 a.m. - Next


It's been a while since I really sat down and wrote, hasn't it? Poor diary, I've neglected you too... I say too 'cos I've neglected a lot of things. Then again, I don't think I'm the only one... Kadin... gah. I don't want to be angry with him over silly shit, but dammit, he was online for over twenty minutes, he had time to talk to Scott, why the FUCK didn't he have time to at least drop me some sort of note? What the hell is up with that?



And my teeth... gah. One root canal down, and extractions to go... they're going to pull all four of my wisdom teeth, and two back molars, and they are doing it in two weeks. I have to go back to work with that ahead of me. And it's going to fuck with my training schedule SOOO bad... this is not good.



See, if I miss training, I get fired. It's that simple. No ifs, ands, or buts. So tomorrow I have to make myself go into work (I've been avoiding it for weeks) and get forms and pretend to be responsible... then I need to go in on Wednesday, and I will have to have a LONG talk with my Team Manager, if I can find him.



I don't have most of the notes I need. I have jack shit. This is SO not good.



But I can get the notes... and I can get more notes, if all they want are signed pieces of paper I will get 'em, doctors notes, dentists notes... I'll drown them in paperwork if I have to.



I sound so confidant but I'm not.



Valium. Have any of you out there taken that? It's what they gave me to take before I went in... I feel like I could spend my entire life on the stuff. I wouldn't LIKE it, but I wouldn't really care. You don't care about anything, on valium. Your sense of time gets very distorted. You can't focus, you can't stress, no worries, no fears... even when things hurt (and they do) you don't actually CARE. You are incapable of experiencing emotions beyond mild curiosity, a warm fuzziness, and sometimes this little tiny voice saying 'Hmm... was I supposed to be doing something? Nah, couldn't be.'



I have three little Valium pills. I only really NEED two, they worked just fine last time... but they gave me three this time.



I might take one just for fun.



Three valium, 20 vicodin, 20 pennecillin, a handful of advil, a handful of alieve, and a handful of asprin... not to mention tons of antihistimines, cold medication, etc.



Death, the ultimate high.



No, for those of you playing along at home, Jax does NOT commit suicide. Too many responsibilities, too many people who care and people who need me, too many reasons not to. But it's still a nice thought, sometimes. This is one of those times.



I'm getting very badly depressed... I think that it might be an aftereffect of the valium from yesterday. I hope not - I don't want to feel this shitty after next time. And believe me, I DO feel shitty... I feel like someone elected me the universe's toilet when I wasn't paying attention, and I'm just now finding out.



Yes, I'll take fries with my angstburger, thank you. See, I KNOW I'm just being bitchy and that this isn't a rational mood swing. I can recognize this fact. It doesn't HELP, but I can indeed recognize it.



Oh... one other point of note.



My period is now a week late. I just thought I'd share. Any more questions about mood swings? Thought not. So on Monday I go off to take a test... if it's positive? I already know what I'll be doing. It involves calling up a discreet clinic downtown that takes my health insurance. Going down there almost furtively, as if I'm doing something illegal. I'm not - it's still legal in Oregon, thank the gods. They'll put me to sleep, knock me out... and when I wake up, problem solved.



No, I don't like doing this. The last time I was in this situation, it took a long time to decide... but this time I know.



It's a decision, a choice, and I made it already. I'm not going to change it.



I have an adopted daughter living in Florence, Oregon... I gave birth to her and gave her up and I'll be DAMNED if I go through that hell again. No thank you. So this one... yeah.



Soon.



I start making calls on Monday, when the clinics are open.



Maybe I'll go take that valium now.

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