Apropos of nothing, and all that. It's just floating in my head. A lot of things are, right now. Tired? Yeah. In pain? Like you wouldn't believe - this has seriously NOT been a good morning for me painwise. I really shouldn't be surprised; between the pregnancy and the stone fragments I seem to be passing, it's really only natural to hurt this much. Still, it's not fun.

Worrying about my kitten... I don't know what the story is behind his fuck-you entry or what's going on there, but I DO wish that I could hug him and pet him for a while and find some way to fix it all. Ideally, some way that involved he and I and Caleb and Torian and Ryan all living happily, all independantly wealthy, and all here in Portland. *wry grin*

Found my card again yesterday, dug it out... and threw up on it. *twitch* That was a Not Good Moment. But it's cleaned *twitch* and will be ok and all. Dammit, MUST CALL. I point-blank REFUSE to call anyone else until I've had a chance to talk with Torian... who has not updated in quite a while, and who I am starting to worry about.

*blinks quietly*

Gonna quote something I ran across earlier: "I'm lonely because my nature calls for a counterpart... someone who's strength can match my own, but still appreciates my protection. I have had but poor luck finding a woman with the strength I am attracted to who doesn't want to rule me. And I will have NO master. I can be chained no more easily then the wind, and I am far less good natured about the attempt."

*another faint smile, eyes darkening ever-so-slightly*

I was discussing my New Year's resolutions with the person who wrote that... and realized in the course of this that it might actually make sense to include at least a portion of those resolutions here, because I know they'll affect people who read this, at least a few of 'em.

First off, Rahani. No, I no longer object to hearing that, for one very specific reason: there is, again, a Rahani. I won't explain any more than that; the people who need to know will ask and be answered. Suffice to say that I've been reorganizing my head and this is one of the results.

Another result and a new addition: Jezebel Rain. Grr, you had no idea how fortuitious your naming-choice was. *amused*

Something else: to finally get back in contact with the people I have managed to royally fall OUT of contact with over the past two months. No, my life will never really slow down completely. Yes, I WILL have times when I am busy and for whatever reason, won't be online. But I am determined to make time to talk with the people I care for, care about, and miss.

Speaking of missing... geh, Caleb, first thing that goes into the U-haul is my computer, because then there can be a computer in the bedroom, which means I can see you at night. *wry grin* I...

...ohfuckinggodsanddemons...

...someone shoot me now, kk?

'Cause I KNOW I'm not far enough along to feel what I just felt.

*curls up, twitching a bit*

Eeeh. Anyway. Cameras.

See, I get to watch Kadin sleeping:

...or whatever else he may be doing. Yes, this image WILL change - just refresh the page every minute or two and you'll get a new one. I want to rig up a cam so I can watch Caleb. Torian's got one but it's never on when I manage to look... *sighs*

Ehh. Down, depression. It'll be ok, somehow. It will.

It will.

And oddly enough, I believe that. See, no matter how confusing things get... somehow, it's ok.

Speaking of confusing, Snowtygrrr is back in touch and apparently wandering around Oxford - Alex, he asked if I would mind if he dropped in on you, I suggested he email you and ask, if an odd Aussie shows up on your doorstep looking far more interesting than most straight men have a right to, that'd be him, yes. Convince him to buy one of those disposable cameras and get pictures of the two of you? *wants*

Anyway, yes, he's back in touch. And yes, I have about as much trust left as I do for... oh, for Belias or Mikey, for example. See, there are STILL limits. And disappearing for months at a time, breaking your promises repeatedly, and getting me cussed at by random women is NOT my idea of good-and-fun, neh?

Still, he does intrigue me, and it really would be interesting to meet him, under the right circumstances. I need inspiration, and he's damned good at providing it.

Inspiration.

Writing.

Must write. Must write.

Yes, I've got that bug biting me too... I don't even know what I want to write. No, wait, I do. The bit about the Felinis I began earlier, that needs to be completed. It's going into Of Other Worlds when I'm done (go look at my fiction page, the link is over there on the left-ish *waves at it vaguely*, and dig around a bit, if you're curious), and I really think it's got potential. I also want to finish Songbird, and FINALLY get back to rewriting Raven's Story, which I've not even TOUCHED in months and months. *sheepish*

Not exactly a resolution, just a like-to-do. Problem being, I need to be in a writing frame of mind, as it were... which has been pretty hard to arrange, of late. Too many other things going on, too much else to worry about.

What would I like right now?

Heh. Give me a good laptop, some decent company, NO bills to worry about for a month or two, a chance to talk to my boys frequently during said month or two... and something new. New sights, new sounds, new foods, new people, it doesn't matter, it just needs to spark whatever it is in my head that lets me write.

It feels... odd, mostly. Very odd. It's as if there is an entire library of stories locked up in my head, half-alive, half-real... waiting. And I can't get the damned door open to start dragging them out to be read.

Ehh again. I'm going to post this now, go let someone else ramble for a while, then try sleeping again.

Being AWAKE out here is a LOT easier and more pleasant than being awake in Gresham - no smoke, no seeing-people-snuggling but not getting any snuggles myself, easy-on-my-tummy foods, being spoiled rotten whenever Ryan's home and often whenever I'm around Jamie, Grr, or even John... but trying to sleep?

Err. Well. See... Ryan snores. *wry grin* Some nights I can sleep through it, some nights it's pretty quiet... tonight he was making the windows rattle. That, combined with extreme pain, has been keeping me up quite well.

Still, I'd rather be out here right now than out in Gresham... at least here I don't look at every little piece of furnature or scrap of cloth and get reminded of Caleb and end up breaking down into tears every few hours. *blinks*

And yes, that IS what happens. It's damned embarassing and makes my nose sore with all the snifflying.