When Did I Disappear, Exactly?
Previous - this entry written on December 16, 2002 at 3:29 am - Next

It's tempting not to write this entry. Not to post it. I know who reads here, and I know that... ehh. That this is going to bite.

But look, it's not like I've been very forthcoming of late, so here goes. The Whole Story, as it were, along with a brief bit of musing-and-ranting that just feels necessary right now.

And yes, I'm drinking. *takes the first sip*

Wau. Strong stuff.


First off, there's Torian. Depressed, hurting, miserable, frustrated Torian who I honestly can't help... not because there is no POSSIBLE way, but because I am more-or-less an Offline Jax right now, and rather deeply entangled in a few very local problems.

Next, there's Caleb. Sick, so very far away, and although he'll be here soon I know it's never soon enough. He's lonely and I can't be there for him yet.

...shaking, lonely, and I am drinking again...

See, credit problems mean that if I marry Cal, his credit gets trashed. What credit problems? OHP fucking up, making Kaiser send me to collections because OHP can't get its collective heads out of its ass long enough to straighten up the billing problems THEY caused.

So that royally sucks.

Ryan. Let me introduce you to Ryan, folks: one of the few people on the PLANET I have clicked with this quickly... the only other male who comes to mind is Caleb. Yes, as you can imagine, this is leaving me deeply confused. Happy too - I'm getting snuggles and getting laid and getting to talk to someone HERE while the world falls apart, but it's seriously confusing me at the same time.

...I'm dying tonight, I'm giving in to you...

There's a boy named Joe who reminds me of Kadin who I wish I could help, but I REALLY can't.

Speaking of which... gods, but I miss Kadin. He's coping better than any of my boys or most of my friends for that matter, at least regarding my current absence from all things computerish, but... yeah. Part of me is actually pretty worried that he'll end up shrugging me off, forgetting... wandering away.

I suppose I know how my boys feel sometimes when they worry about the same.

Tomorrow's the Needle. I'm coping worse and worse with these - the only times I make it through without hysterics are when I'm so doped-up it's a miracle I'm conscious... and sometimes not even then. Ryan is going to tag along, keep me company and hopefully keep me sane. He wouldn't be coming if Scott hadn't tipped the scales; see, Ryan's as panicked by needles as I am, and has NOT had the benefit of years in the hospital system to learn to at least semi-deal with it.

My mother. *twitches* 'nough said.

And... oh, and, want to hear the really f'ing GREAT news? I'm a week late, maybe more, I'm having a hard time keeping track. But yeah. Late. And with cravings and nausia. Can you tell I'm f'ing THRILLED? OryCon was, apparently, even more productive than I'd thought. *sighs softly*

New healthcare system courtesy again of f'ing OHP, so I don't even know what clinics to call or what doctors to see. I'm getting twitchy about that.

Talking with kadin online. How the fuck do you explain to someone that the very traits you usually love are, right now, driving you up a wall? That you want a moment of serious conversation, of connection... and instead you're getting online games and lime pickles? Dammit.

Dammit dammit DAMMIT.


And although I know Kadin's going to decide it's his fault and Ryan's going to claim it's his and gods only know what Torian will do and... yeah. No, see, this is... me.

This is the joy and regret both getting tangled up until all that's left is a hollow sort of ache that makes me want to pace the streets.

This is the horrid certainty that things are about to fall apart.

I've had it for several days but it just topped out tonight. It's like feeling a hurricane coming. I don't know why, I don't know if I'm just imagining it, but it's grating at me, leaving me feeling as if my skin has been rubbed off and my mind raped by some ghostly figment of my own dreamworlds.

Drink deep, Jax. Drown it all for a few more hours.

And that's what it is, really. Drowning it.


Funny. Not that long ago, I would have sworn I knew what would happen when. I believed I knew what my boys would do. I thought they understood me.

A week ago, I thought that somehow things would FINALLY be ok. Things... felt right.

And now it all feels empty. Not as if there's anything MISSING... as if it's a perfectly functional piece of nothingness.

I want my slavekitten striving to please me. I want my precious cat curled at my feet. I want my Caleb, all snuggles and sharp fingernails. I want the darkness of Drailith to rip through me. I want Ryan's arms around me.

I want to feel real again.

I think that's an even better way to describe this... not as if the rest of the world is wrong. As if I am.

...you know you're not fooling anyone...

I want to feel real.

I want to be at least as real as the boys I miss, as the worries I am fielding, as the pain I feel, as the needle and the bills and the sickness and the stress. I'm tired of being a ghost in a world that I seem to have stopped being able to affect in any truly positive, useful way.

...promise me I'm never gonna find you faking...

Drink deep, Jax.

I've been escaping into alcohol and medication and trancing/meditation and nights spent with friends and nights walking alone and nights curled up in a little shuddering hurting ball only long enough to whimper once, then there's arms around the shell I seem to have become. Never warm enough, but always overheating.


I really want Caleb and Ryan to meet 'cause I think it would be good for them. I want Kadin to find things, people, he enjoys. I want Torian to be happy, to have something in life keeping him alive besides me. I want to make things right.

I want to either feel real myself... or stop feeling the reality of those around me, so I can just... dammit, OFF that train of thought, sorry, you have no ticket, but thanks for playing!

*curls up as best she can on the hard chair*

...I see the soul that is inside...

Funny how the most illogical and unconnected lyrics can tear off pieces of my soul and hang them out to dry.

I'm gonna post this now, go read bash.org or something, check email again... whatever it takes to stay distracted.

*sighs softly*

The pain, the bat, and the blood when you beat me... yeah. I want to feel alive again.


I was going away, right?


I can do this.

I'll be fine.

I always am, after all.




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