...if only I could get 8 stops 7 out of my head, but I can't. Kadin seems to have gotten me hooked on it quite thoroughly.

I'm also downloading 'Heaven Is A Half Pipe' because I LIKE that song. What else have I gotten... hm. Got 'AM Radio' - good one. Got a lot of Ace of Base. Got 'Whatever'... hey you, you'd remember this one... "Peace... I hate the word."

*now listens to a techno remix of 'Bittersweet Symphony' and grins*

Music... but I've said a lot about music before. This entry isn't supposed to be about music. What IS it supposed to be about? Good question.

Here... I'm gonna quote someone:

"I don't want to exist at ALL! If I have to exist then I want to be owned, and if I'm going to be owned I would rather be owned by XXXXX than by most people... but I'd prefer not to be here at all. It hurts all the time."

That... last night revolved around that. My mind's been worrying at it for quite a while, even in my dreams... and dammit, Angel, get the HELL out of my head. I'm tired of seeing you in my dreams now, you can stop any time...

There's a strange mark on my hip.

I just thought I'd mention that.

And my other hip... feels bare.

But I'm not talking about that right now either, I'm not discussing last night which was a bit too intense for me to really wrap my thoughts around yet. My head is still spinning, and a part of me is quietly, contentedly screaming her little head off...

...ahem.

Change of topic.

"So I walk up on high / And I step to the edge / I see my world below / And I laugh to myself / And the tears roll down / 'Cause it's the world I know / Oh, it's the world I know..."

Hrm. This song... yeah. Tears. Never fails... not true crying, but the feeling that if I could just go a LITTLE bit further, there would be tears. Like watching someone close to me cry. Like feeling my heart break.

It's true, a lot of other people feel like this, and I wish to all the gods that I could stop it for them, and for me. It HURTS. It aches, torn in a hundred directions at once and a name or three on your lips, wishing you could scream to them, wishing you could just jump, just fall, just end... and not quite being willing to.

Knowing there are reasons to stay.

Not being entirely sure what they are.

I feel my lips tingling (yes, THOSE lips) when I think about the pain he gave.

I feel my heart twisting when I think about how long it will be until he gets back.

I feel my hands bound, tied, leashed... my ankles cuffed together, my knees bent, eyes covered, mouth filled with an unforgiving gag, my body huddled in a corner and every fibre of me screaming for the pain to stop.

"All of my friends / Have lost their defense / It doesn't make much sense / But I don't need sense / 'Cause I've been feeling / Uninspired..."

Yep. That song again. 8 stops 7, I swear it's subliminal, I'm addicted. No wonder the boy couldn't stop singing them. I need more... must have more!

I really wish I could figure out a way to get my ass down to the coast.

I wonder...

...I wonder...

...I wonder.

Ghosts of Peter Pan - you know the scene in Hook where Rufieo surrenders the sword? There was supposed to be a swordfight there.

There was.

They cut it out.

This upsets me because I want to see that beautiful angry boy with steel in his hands, rage in his eyes, his body tensed as he fights for his honor and maybe thinks he fights for his life...

I want to see blood, perhaps.

It's just me. Don't worry. I'll be fine. I'll get over it. And I'll keep writing angst-laden diary entries that make even ME a bit queasy... because that's part of my coping process. I write.

So.

Writing.

Enough of it for now.

I'm done.