Hi. Yes, I DO Still Exist.
Previous - this entry written on April 10, 2003 at 12:30 am - Next


For those who haven't noticed, I currently have access to 'net only through Grr's computer. Mine (and Ryan's, and partially Tom's) is nonfunctional just now. *sighs* Fortunately, I've been rediscovering the joy of blankbooks, of which I have a LOT. So for the moment, now that I've got a few minutes to update, I'll give you a quick rundown on life, then quote myself from bits of books.

First off, Caleb will be coming home for a visit before the end of the month - I still don't know the exact date, but he will be back. Secondly, the anti-depression medication, mixed quite liberally with antibiotics, steroid withdrawal, opiate withdrawal, and progesterone-only birth control pills makes for a VERY hallucinatory, twitchy, disturbed Jax. I'm happy about most of it, and I AM more functional than I was, say, a month ago.

I'm going in tomorrow to see the doctor, since last night I went to the E.R. because I was unable to pee, hurting a LOT, and having shivers and hot flashes. They (They, in this case, being the sort of They that you instinctively know is not worth dealing with but you have to do it anyway) told me that it was not a kidney stone, and not an infection. They didn't tell me what it IS, or even make educated guesses. So yeah, I called my doctor and they managed to squeak me into a cancellation tomorrow.

*sighs* Stress.

Pain.

Not that any of that is new, but today... today I'm feeling it. And dammit, I'm GLAD. I was almost getting used to being nothing but a cheerful normal girl... the sort of girl who can't write, who only draws fluffy bunnies and happy flowers, the sort of girl I NEVER want to be. It's reassuring to find that I can still be ME.

Anyway, the quotes!

- - - - -

blue ink tears
my thoughts are blunted
stifled even as the misery
is lifting
is lifted
floating into the nothingness
that wraps around my
broken dreams
no movement
silence
everything external
claws at the
flash
clarity raked to pieces
heartbroken?
the tears I cry are from pain
not distruction
desecration, instead
nightmares when waking
to replace the visions I've
lost to slumber and
days spent without
the will to write

- - - - -

So I just rediscovered this book, yet another tangle of not-at-all-consecutive entries, fragments of long ago love. It... I guess the best word for it is embarassment. Shame that I let 'love' and 'forever' and even 'mine' slip from finger to pen. Fear, that the loves I have now will somehow leave, or that I will scare them away. Anti-depressants or not, I'm worrying. I want my boys HERE so I know they're safe and OK... and, honestly, so I know they aren't leaving. The thought of life without them has literally given me nightmares. Part of my stress is the sickening sensation of a fist driving into my stomach, pushing down against my pelvis, a hot, desperate pain that I'm not liking and not exactly able to deal with. Unfortunately I don't know WHY it's hurting; my fear of being ignored extends to this too, and because of it I'll often avoid E.R. trops or questioning a doctor's judgement. (! the ink changes from red to blue here !) Pen change, the other one is pretty much dead. I need new pens, I'm already realizing how FAST I'm going through ink just in the past few no-net days.

Which, realistically, is for the best even if it does mean frustraion for some of my friends( and most of my loves). I need some time to sort through the changes, and to get used to being happy. Geh... I know that sounds odd. It feels much odder, believe me. Serious, though. I'm not used to not worrying, to being pain free for more than one or two days a month, to not waking up inside a 'JTHM' comic or on the set for 'Lost Children'.

And NO, it's not perfect. Life still in a lot of ways sucks. It just does so less often and when it does, it's easier to deal with. However - and yes this DOES need a however - the hallucionations, stuggering, and lack of coherant thought is not so good. I'll be asking the doctor about it tomorrow.

- - - - -

Everything else is either fragmented, or half-finished, or an image I need to scan in. I've done a LOT of drawing, niftiness that I really want to show off. Must Find Scanner again - it's somewhere here, I just don't know WHERE at the moment.

Ehh... it's nearly 1:00 in the morning, and I will be getting up tomorrow at 7-ish. Gonna go sleep.

Gonna wake up and be productive.

Gonna wonder where all my dreams went when I woke up, and if maybe someday I will follow them to see where dreams are made.

Ehh.

Sleepy Ravengirl. *yawns and pads off*

Previous - Next
Hosted by Diaryland - All Rights Reserved - Image, Layout, and Content copyright Jax Raven -
- Do Not Feed The Moose -




Human Pets!

Latest
Older
First

Profile
Cast
Disclaimer

Links
Pants
Porn
Addiction
Blowjobs

Notes
Guestbook

Art
Writings
Bad
Poetry
Collection
The Girls

Old-time
Radio
Techno
VideoSift
The Boxes
#submission

Hosted
at D-land