In the time that I have been able to honestly say that he is MINE, Torian has changed... in most ways for the better, I think. When I chose to Name him, it was shortly after the rather upsetting events that happened when I disappeared-ish for a while. It was meant as a price, more than a reward - the name reflects my opinion of him. Some of the other choices I might have made were harsher... words that spoke of betrayal or doubt or disappointment. Some were more cheerful, or talked of ownership and pride. This one, though... this is the most accurate.

Despite the miscommunications and disappointments, and in some ways BECAUSE of them, he is slowly but surely becoming the pleasing slave that I first saw glimpses of so long ago on Furcadia. Despite the setbacks and problems, despite the distance, he and I are becoming closer, better friends, deeply connected.

The name is also one I've given, briefly, to a pet... or rather, to one of the alts used on Furcadia by someone I owned. *smile* That Torian did not disappoint me, and I doubt this one will.

K'adin (Keh-AY-din): companion, partner.

The name I gave to my kitten was more than just a convenient version of 'kitten' and 'kaine'... it represented and still represents the bond between us. It is not just that of a slave and his Mistress, although that is in many ways the cornerstone of our relationship - before there was love, before there was anything beyond casual affection, there was the promise/threat of a collar. *grins*

The name demonstrates that he IS my partner and companion, someone who is bound to me not because of any threat or any chains or any oath, but because of love and friendship, two things I treasure.

It also, in an odd way, demonstrates the amount of trust I have in him... you see, I have a hard time trusting anyone that I don't own, anyone that I can't hurt. It's a leftover from a complicated and unpleasant past, it's NOT something I normally like talking about, but it IS there. I find it fairly easy to fall in love with people... but true, lasting love, honest care, sincere affection? That comes with a price, for me and for them... the price for them is a collar. The price for me is a constant ache somewhere within me.

Part of me will always want to be the submissive one, the treasured one, the one who is taken care of and trained and owned. Part of me will always crave that. Part of me will always need that.

But the fact of the matter is that said part of me is lousy at trusting people, has little or no judgement, or at least not GOOD judgement, and is a terrible judge of character. ~I~ don't trust that part of me.

I DO trust my dominant side, however. When I am in charge, as it were, I know that I am alert and ready, I know that I am safe, and I know that I am not going to be hurt.

Why am I going off on this?

I have a rather LONG document written on the other computer. I saved it - I'm not sure why - but it's not getting posted, or emailed, or unsent-lettered, or anything else. I found myself actually FURIOUS tonight, furious because I had let that rule slip briefly and once again, gotten hurt because of it. Furious because I was stupid enough to try to love and care for someone who wasn't, isn't, and likely will never be mine. It's my own fault for getting hurt. I knew better. And still, I can't seem to stop loving him.

I CAN stop fawning over him, though. I CAN stop expecting him to actually show, or to at least have the decency to cancel plans when he knows they won't happen, to let me know instead of making me play tag with him to get anything resembling a straight answer. I CAN stop telling him that I care. I CAN stop saying That Word, knowing full well he won't say it back. He doesn't mean it.

If he did, if he even had the ability to love me, I don't think he would be ripping me apart the way he is.

Realistically, this entry might have been better off posted... somewhere slightly less public. Or not posted at all. But I really AM furious about this. And envious of the one person he DOES love, the one person he's willing to spend time with, the one person he is with more than he's at home or with me combined, it seems.

I always know how to get in touch with him - I just call her. *sighs*

Jealous. Furious - at myself. And sad... because gods, if he could, if he would, it would make me so happy. I smile more when he's around. I feel safe when I am talking with him or snuggling him. He is one of a very few people who can make me glad to be alive... argh.

I think that unless something changes, I am going to need to get over him. Completely.

Why can't any of this be easy? Why can't the ones I love and trust be HERE, not in other time zones and/or other states? Why can't the ones I want to trust actually do something to give me even a shred of faith in them?

Why isn't life easy, hrm? *stomps about the Universe's Customer Service Department - which is full of nothing but spiders and dust and a 'be right back' sign that is nearly falling apart - demanding answers to stupid questions*